Richard:

2weeks later…

“Anne, would you please hurry up? Your friends are waiting for us at the restaurant!” I complained sitting on the bottom of the stairs.

Waiting for Annette to get dressed had to be the longest thing anyone had to endure, she was such a perfectionist when it came down to the task, it was a Friday night and we was attending a dinner and dance with our ‘friends’ Carl & Sara, well they were Annette’s friends really, I just unwillingly got dragged into their little circle of friendship.  Truth be told I couldn’t stand either one of them, Sara was a stuck up bitch and Carl was just a plain asshole. You know the type that you just wanted to deck in the face for no actual reason but just because? That was him. I just wanted to hurry up and go so I could hurry up and get home.

Jhene had taken Tikira to the Airport earlier on and Alana had managed to sneak out the house without anyone knowing, I suspected she went somewhere with that Spanish boy, so the house was fairly quiet. The only noise came from Annette’s heels clanking along the wooden floor and Jhene’s dog running up and down the halls like it had no damn mind.

I sighed and loosened my tie leaning my head on the wall. Reservation for the restaurant had been made for 8pm it was now 7:45 and the restaurant was all the way on the other side of town. There was no way we was gonna make it on time. Then I’d have to sit and listen to her stupid friend talk about how timing was everything.

I don’t why Anne hanged out with such annoying people. When I tell you they were boring as hell. I’d rather watch paint dry on my damn walls than listen to them talk about how well their kids where doing or how good their jobs were or any other shitty topic that seemed to slip out the mouths for that matter.

I’d tried every damn excuse in the book to try and get out of this dinner but Annette wasn’t having it, she was dead set on attending and I was coming wither I wanted to or not.

Finally the sounds of her heels came clanking closer to me, I lifted my head up looking at her and the sympathetic facial expression she held on her face,

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked standing to my feet and pulling down my trouser leg,

“Erm Rich, you may wanna read this…” she said quietly handing me a white piece of folded paper, I hesitantly took the paper out her hand and furrowed my eyebrows at her,

“What is it?” I asked frowning.

“Just read it Richard” I sighed and unfolded the letter flicking the creases out of it as my eyes scanned the top half…

Dear dad,

“I know you probably don’t understand why I did what I did right now, but as you read on you will. I just wanted to let you know, I’m sorry for everything I’ve said to you in the past. Every angry word that I let loose on you I’m sorry for. I know raising me alone as a single parent has been hard because I definitely aint the easiest person to look after or to please but seriously I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but the best you could be and I’m sorry for throwing everything thing in your face and not appreciating you.

But dad, I’ve gone and done something that would make you so disappointed in me and I didn’t know how to tell you face to face, so here it is.

I got pregnant and was too scared to tell you so I didn’t say anything and then went and decided something that I know my life will never be the same because of.

And I know you always said to me, you didn’t want me to have a baby so young because you didn’t want me to have to struggle the way you a mom did when y’all had me, but I’m so sorry.

So for not only that reason, I have decided to go back to New York with Tikira, I decided this a long time ago but never put foot to action up until now because I was scared and I know you brought me out here to LA because you thought it would better my life, but dad I’m not happy out here. I feel like have absolutely no one in LA anymore so I have no reason to stay.

I transferred all the money from Mom’s life insurance checks that I’d been getting that you made me save for a ‘rainy day’ into a new account that I set up and realised I’d saved up a little over $50,000 so I don’t have to worry about finical issues for now.

Also there is no use you trying to contact me because I left my phones behind. I just need a fresh start away from everybody and everything but I will contact you as soon as I find myself.

I’m really sorry that I may have disappointed you, but I promise on everything that when I do decide it’s best for me to come back I would have made something out of my life.

I love you, always

Jhene x”

***

Jhene:

“Will all passenger flights to New York City please make their way to departure gate 23, your flight will be leaving shortly” The announcement sounded over the intercom,

“You ready?” Tiki asked as she picked up her carryon bag and threw it over her shoulder,

“Yep” I smiled nervously pulling my bag onto my shoulder

“Aight well let’s go!” she said making her way over to the departure gate, with me following behind her,

“WAIT Tikira, one more thing!” I said to her taking out my phone from my back pocket,

“What? What is it?” she asked,

“I just gotta send this last message” I mumbled sliding my finger down to my drafts in my inbox,

“Well hurry up Jhene, the flights leaving soon!”

“Just wait!” I replied, heading into the drafts and sending the message waiting until it was delivered before I looked up at her and smiled,

“What?” she asked confused,

“Nothing, Erm excuses me…” I said turning to the security guard guarding the gate

“Yes mam?”

“Could you do me a favour please?”

“If I can” he smiled,

“Can you hold this” I replied the guy looked at me with a confused expression on his face as I held out my phone to him

“Jhene, what the fuck is you doing?” Tikira asked, I held up my hand to her silencing her

“Please?” I said to the guy, he reluctantly took my phone out of my hand and frowned,

“W-What do you want me to do with it?” he asked, confusion evident on his face, I shrugged and picked my back up off of the floor

“I don’t know, keep it or throw it away, whatever you feel like doing with it…” I smiled. “Come on lets go Tikira!” I said looking at her before I took one final glance back then headed through the gates and for good this time

LA had given me good times, I must admit but it felt like the bad times weighed down harder and I needed space to breath, to get myself together, get my life back to where it needed to be.

And besides I had to grow up now and find my own feet, I’m 18 years old, Maybe one day when I feel that it’s my time I would return. But until then, LA was just gonna have to be a distant memory to me; I had bigger and better things to look forward to…

 

Jennifer:

“She’s asleep so imma get going now” Chris mumbled to me as he dragged his coat on from the bed and fixed his beanie on top of his curls heading towards the door. That had to be the most he’d said to me since he’d been here and he’d been here for a couple hours straight. He had picked Niecey up from day care earlier on and reluctantly stayed a couple more hours after Niecey practically screamed the house down and cried for him to not go until eventually he gave in.

This was how he was whenever he was around me now, he barely spoke a word to me, he just paid attention to Niecey and if he did happen to have to speak to me, it was about her. A part of me didn’t mind because I was just happy that he was stepping up to the plate and being a father to our daughter, but still I couldn’t help but feel hurt that he didn’t speak to me unless it was about her.

It was like ever since my mom told him about her, he had this hate for me. I could sense it; whenever I spoke to him he would brush me off or just straight ignore me as if I hadn’t said anything at all. I was literally see through to him,

“Chris” I called out to him before he walked out my bedroom door, I heard him sigh heavily and knew he probably rolled his eyes at me,

“What Jennifer?” he mumbled, still never turning around

“Can you at least turn around please?” I practically begged. I felt stupid for begging, but the least he could do was turn around when I was talking to him. He kissed his teeth loudly at me before he turned around to face me, a blank expression edged upon his face, hard eyes.

“What?”

“I just wanted to say, thank you. You know, for being there for Niecey” I shrugged, Chris looked me up and down before looking at my face,

“Whatever” he mumbled again before turning around and walking straight out of the door. I smacked my teeth and plopped down on my bed, resting my head in my hands. This shit, was weighing heavily on me when it shouldn’t, but shit wasn’t easy having a baby with a guy who practically hated my guts now. It was tediously annoying, something that could be avoided if he just stopped holding damn grudges all the time.

I got back up in a huff, and looked over at Niecey sleeping peacefully on the bed; she had no clue of the tension between me and her father right now. Which I was happy about, she didn’t need to know that he hated me, not now at least.  I walked over to the side of the bed that Chris had put her in and pulled the covers over her a little more before kissing her forehead. Suddenly a loud vibrating sound came from somewhere, causing her to slightly stir in her sleep. I looked around for where the vibrating was coming from making sure I didn’t wake her up, because I knew if I woke her the first person she would ask for would be her ‘daddy’ like she did the first thing in the mornings as soon as she woke up or whenever Chris wasn’t around.

Looking behind the bed, I leaned down to retrieve where the vibration was coming from, Chris’ phone. He must have forgotten it here, I picked up the flashing phone, ready to set it on the side when the name ‘Baby’ flashed across the screen, signalling a text message had come through.  I stared down at it for a minute, contemplating wither or not I should read it, I knew for a fact him and Jhene where no longer together that was part of the reason he continued to mope around the place like a broken hearted idiot, so either it was her who was messaging him, or some new chick he found. As usual, curiosity killed the cat and I opened up the message and began reading it,

‘Do you remember when we first met in school and you said to me that you was gonna MAKE me love you? All 3 of you, Chris, Maurice and Breezy, at that time I thought you were nothing but some crazy ass nigga with 3 different ego’s who needed help. I thought to myself, there is no way that I was gonna love you. Ever. Then gradually and over a short period of time I got to know you and you made it happen, I fell head over hills in love with you ALL ‘3’ of you lol.

 Sometimes I ask myself, how is it possible that I could love someone as much as I love you, and then I look at you and remember the reasons why I fell for you in the first place. For the longest time, you were like the best thing that ever happened to me, besides all the BS we’ve been through, you always made me smile, even when you pissed me off, you’d somehow find your way back into my heart. I love the fact, that when I’m around you I can be myself, I don’t have to put up a front when I’m around you like I do with everyone else, because you love me with all my flaws and everything and you always go out of your way to make me happy and to give me the best. You’re the only person in this world who can make me so mad, cry and then laugh all in one day.  And me and you, when were at our best its amazing. But the bad times are what weigh this relationship down the most. Were both too stubborn and selfish and we both always want our own way and in relationships it don’t work like that.

So even though it hurts to say it, right now I don’t think were what’s good for each other. I think we need some major time apart, to just revaluate ourselves and to grow up and then eventually if it’s meant to be we will find our way back with one another and if it’s not, well hey, at least we had the chance to try. But right now I don’t think either of us truly knows what we want,

And even though things between us didn’t end in the best way, you will always be in my heart Chris. I love you more than I love myself sometimes, and that’s where the problem lies. The fact that I love you so much that it’s becoming something unhealthy, and something that we both don’t need right now.

So I moving back to New York, just for a while so I can clear my head and get my life back on track, then once I do all that I’ll contact you.

And a part of you grows inside of me every day. And I know you think that I won’t be able to cope with a baby but when it came down to it, in the end I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t do it because I couldn’t kill the last part of our love. I guess you could say I don’t really want to let you fully go. And in due time maybe when you feel stable enough, if you want to be a part of his or hers life, I aint gonna stop you’

Just know Chris that, I will ALWAYS love you and you will always be my baby

Love

Jhene

x

***

My mind went blank for second trying to process what I just read. Quickly scrolled up and read through the last part of the message one last time, “A part of you grows inside me everyday” I said aloud to myself, there was no way this could mean what I think she means, no way she could be pregnant with Chris’ baby.

I looked over at Niecey still holding Chris’ phone firmly in my hand then ran my fingers through my loose waves, and looked back at the phone screen. Tapping the menu screen I scrolled down until I came to the options I was looking for, my thumb hovered over the delete button for a minute before I thought fuck it and deleted the message.

This was the same bitch that nearly beat me to death and ruined my whole fucking chance with the one person other than Niecey I truly genuinely cared about. Who gives a fuck about her pouring her heart out in a message to Chris, he probably wouldn’t care anyway, they’d already broken up so why she felt the need to do this was stupid. She said in the message in the end she couldn’t go through with it, which probably meant Chris suggested abortion to her, so evidentially he didn’t want her kid anyway. So I guess you could see it as I was saving her the embarrassment, her and her kid. She could go back to New York and stay her ghetto ass there, no one cares.  

She wouldn’t be missed.

Just then my bedroom door flew open and Chris walked back in patting his pockets,

“Ay, you seen my phone?” he mumbled before looking over at me, I quickly stood up pressing the home and lock button at the same time discretely and walked over to him holding out his phone,

“Yeah it’s here” he stared at me frowning his eyebrows before taking it out my hand,

“What the fuck do you got my phone for?” he asked in a hostile tone; I rolled my eyes and shrugged my shoulders

“What? You dropped it behind the bed and I picked it up” I said nonchalantly, he licked his lips then still staring at me with hard eyes before he stuffed it in his pockets,

“Thanks” he mumbled before turning back around to walk out, shutting the door behind him, I breathed in deeply and turned back around leaning on my bedroom door.  

A quick wave of guilt hit over me, but just as quick as it hit me, it disappeared.

I know Love aint a game, but in order to get what you want sometimes, you have eliminate the opposing player. So that’s what I was doing, eliminating my competition. Well technically I didn’t have to eliminate her, she done that when she left for New York.

And either way, if she really wanted Chris that bad, he was only

One Call Away…

Right?

Chris:

“Seems like I always had crushes on chicks I couldn’t have and then I end up fucking with someone I shouldn’t have…”

I rolled over and smacked my teeth feeling around for my ringing phone that was somewhere buried in-between my sheets, once I felt it, I grabbed it and slowly opened my eyes but immediately squinted them again from the bright light shining on me from my phone screen,

“You better have a fucking good reason for calling me so early on in the morning” I snapped grouchily looking over at the time that was flashing on DVD player. 7:40

“Chris I need your help” she said reluctantly into the phone

“What?” I asked annoyed, one thing I hated is when people woke me up from my damn sleep; I don’t give a fuck who it is. Don’t wake me up

“It’s Niecey, I need someone to take her to day care but I can’t do it because my supervisor just called and said I gotta be in work for 8:30 and my mom has already gone and my dad’s on call right now so he can’t do it, I wouldn’t be asking you if I really didn’t need your help right now” she explained,

I took a deep breath wiping my face and then stretched a little, “What time she gotta be in for?” I asked

“10:30”

I didn’t say anything for a moment, trying to wake myself up fully, last night I didn’t go sleep until like 4 in the morning because I stayed up half the night doing some drops for Cass. Just to get my money up a little, I got paid a nice amount too so I knew I was set for the rest of this month anyway

“You still there?” Jen asked

“Yeah, just drop her off then” I mumbled closing my eyes

“Aight I’ll be there in like 30 minutes” she explained

“Yeah”

“And thank you”

“Whatever” I mumbled again hanging up the phone and throwing it on the side.

****

“Chris get up!” Mama yelled in my ear,

“What are yelling for?!” I yelled back at her, I hadn’t even realized I’d fallen straight back to sleep after talking to Jen.

“Uh uh, who do you think your yelling at?” she asked, I smacked my teeth and rolled over onto my back scowling at her, “You better come correct and realize who you’re talking to, I aint one of your little friends!”

“Aight ma, damn!”

“Now Jeniece is here, she’s upstairs eating her breakfast so you need to get your behind up and go and see to her because I gotta leave out for work” she said opening up my blinds, the blazing LA sunshine shining brightly through my room causing me to squint my eyes,

“GET UP CHRIS!” she yelled again before she walked out of my room leaving the door wide opened, I smacked my teeth again and stretched my arms getting up out the bed, I was so damn tired right now. Quickly I jumped in the shower and started getting dressed before I went upstairs to take Lil Mama to Daycare

***

I grabbed my car keys and a wad of cash stuffing them into my pockets, and tightened the strings on my hoodie before pulling out my phone and dialled Jhene’s number for the 3^rd time this morning making my way up the stairs, Holding the phone in the crook of my neck I listened to it as it rang out until eventually I caught her voicemail, like I had been since the day she left here, she’d been ignoring all my calls and messages ever since that day.

“Look this is like my 3^rd time calling you this morning, I know you see me calling you and I know you probably don’t wanna talk to me right now, but can you call me back please, please” I said before hanging up the phone and trudging up the rest of the stairs making my way into the living room,

“Lil Mama!” I yelled to her as I walked inside the room, where she was sat in front of the TV watching some kiddies programme, she quickly turned around and opened her eyes wide smiling when she saw me walking in.

“Daddyyyyyyyyyyyy!” she screamed running up to me,

“What’s up princess” I said catching her up as she ran into my arms, “You missed me?”

“No” she shook her head

“What you mean no!” I laughed tickling her in her sides causing her to burst into a fit of laughs!”

 “No, yeah!” she laughed wrapping her little arms tightly around my neck

“Yeah that’s better! Where’s Grandma at?”

“I’m here” Mama said, I turned around to see her walking into the living room zipping up her purse, “Ok I’m leaving out now, Chris make sure you get her to daycare on time” she warned, throwing her purse over her shoulder and grabbing her paper work from the side table,

“What time is it now?” I asked looking over at the clock

“10:15 and I’m gonna be late” she mumbled,

“Aight we might as well leave out now with you” I replied grabbing the remote of the side and turning of the TV

“Daddy, I don’t wanna go daycare” Jeniece said shaking her head,

“Wh-”

“No, you’re going to daycare Jeniece” Mama said interrupting, “Chris make sure you take her to daycare!”

Niecey frowned pouting her lip at Mama, causing me to laugh at the expression on her face, 

“Fix your lip and give me a kiss” she said walking over to Niecey and stealing a kiss from her, Niecey turned her leaning on my shoulder and continued to frown at Mama,

“She mad at you” I laughed,

“I don’t care, just make sure she goes to Daycare!” she warned again before turning around leaving “Bye I’m gone before I’m late” she laughed lightly before leaving out,

Once I heard the door slam I looked over at Lil Mama, who still had a mean scowl on her face,

“You ready?” She shook her head yes “Aight come on” I said putting her down so she could grab her Dora backpack then left out,

***

It took about half hour to drop Lil mama off at Daycare because of traffic after that I’d quickly made a stop at McDonalds to pickup something to eat and was now on my way over to Mijo’s after he called me and told me to come through, once I’d made my way to his I parked my car at the end of his block and got out my car making my way up to his house knocking on his door.

“Hey Chris” Ms Allison smiled answering the door,

“Wassup Mom, is Mijo there?”

“Yeah, yeah come in his lazy ass still upstairs in his room” she chuckled closing the door behind her before I walked in. “So what’s this I hear about my Lil Christopher having a baby?” she asked raising her brow at me,

“Yeah” I laughed lightly wiping my face, “she aint even a baby anymore, she Two now”

“Two!” she yelled shocked, the same reaction everybody had whenever I told them Niecey age

“Yep”

“What in the hell, and you didn’t know?”

“Nah” I shook my head “I found out like a few weeks ago”

“God lord, I know Joyce weren’t impressed” she laughed,

“Nah she wasn’t but she cool with it now” I shrugged,

“Oh well, that’s good. You need to bring her around sometime, I wanna see her cute self”

“Yeah I got you” I laughed,

“Good. Well anyway Mijo upstairs just go up”

“Aight” I nodded making my way up the stairs towards Mijo room on the top floor, as soon as I reached the landing the strong scent of weed hit me before even opened the door, “MIJO!” I yelled as I opened up his door, Mijo turned around from the game he was playing and set the joint on the corner of the astray

“What’s good nigga!” he said dapping me up “Aye close in the door before Moms come up here bitching” he laughed, I chuckled closing in the door and plopped down on the couch in his room

“That shit stink nigga” I coughed at the strong scent of the weed he was smoking,

“That skunk shit nigga fuck you know about this” he laughed holding out the joint,

“Fuck you get this from?” I asked taking the joint out his hand and pulling it up,

“That nigga Keeis” he laughed “Nigga said he got this shit imported from London, it’s supposed to be like chronic nshit”

“Hell nah, this shit strong though” I said taking 2 puffs then passing it back to him

“Believe me, roll up nigga” he said taking the joint then passing me the plastic bag and DVD cover “I told Ty about this shit, that nigga said he on his way right now” he laughed I chuckled and set the DVD cover on my lap and took a nug from the bag breaking it up in my lap “Ay pass me those papers” I said pointing to the pack of rizzlers that were sat next to him, Mijo leaned over and grabbed the papers throwing them at me, “Safe” I mumbled and continued to roll my joint

Once my joint was rolled I light it watching the smoke burnt the papers

 “So what the fuck is up with you nigga? You aint said nun but a word since you got here and you looking like yo puppy just died” Mijo laughed I smirked and brought the joint to my lips, taking a deep pull, then allowing the haze to leak from my nose,

“Man, shit’s just fucked up” I chuckled

“Why? what Jhene do now? She cussed you out again?” he joked,

“Nah not even” I shook my head, bringing the joint back up to my lips “We aint even talking like that”

“Man y’all two aint never talking “Mijo laughed “Y’all worst than me and Ky!”

“Nah nigga, you fucking flipped it. Aint nobody worst than you and Ky!” I laughed,

Mijo chuckled “So what’s up with y’all now?”

I smacked my teeth and sighed hard, looking down watching the smoke that leaked from the joint, Mijo brought his joint back up to his lips and took a deep pull from it “Jhene, she pregnant cuh” I said looking over at him

Mijo’s eyes widened as far as they could go and the smoke from the pull he took instantly burned his throat, causing him to choke on it and start coughing crazy, he reached over for the bottle of sprite he had on the floor opening it up and chugged it down in order to get rid of his coughing fits, I chuckled watching this nigga, once his coughing seized to a minimum he set his joint on the side of the astray and looked over at me wide eyed,

“The fuck you mean she pregnant nigga!” he yelled at me in shock.

I laughed lightly and took another pull from my joint before setting it on the side of the ashtray too and leaning back on the couch staring up at the ceiling whilst blowing the smoke out,

“I mean she’s pregnant” I sighed, licking my lips

“Dang nigga what the fuck is wrong with you?!” Mijo yelled, “Don’t you know what a fucking condom is bruh?” I laughed out and wiped my face looking at him.

“I know nigga, I know”

“Clearly you don’t, you dumb ass nigga. You’re fucking 17 with a two year old and a baby on the way? Nigga something’s wrong with you!”

“Didn’t you learn!” he yelled at me again

“Aight man fuck!” I laughed at him; this nigga was more upset than me, shit. Mijo smacked his teeth and shook his head at me,

“So what y’all gonna do?” he asked once he calmed down and picked back up his joint, I stayed quiet and he turned his head looking at me,

“Nah, don’t tell me you told her what I think you told her” he mumbled I looked at him and sighed “Fuck no, you know that’s it right…”

“What?” I asked

“That’s it nigga, you know you aint getting her back right” he said

“What you mean?”

“Nigga, you asked her to abort your kid and you think she finna stay with you? You gotta be out of your goddamn mind. That’s it nigga, it’s over between the two of you!”

I frowned over at him and smacked my teeth, “Man nigga shut up” I mumbled,

“It’s true. What she do when you asked her?” he asked

“She aint do nothing. She was blank, She just handed me the scan and left” I explained to him,

“Mannn, you lost a good girl cuh, a real good girl”

“Stop fucking saying that shit nigga!” I snapped at him,

“What it’s the truth, don’t you know it’s nothing worse than when a chick goes silent on yo ass. When she curse and act a fool it’s because she cares! When she silent it means she’s given up, she don’t care anymore! A woman’s silence says it all. Her silence and lack of expression means that she’s reached her breaking point! Nigga you should know that!”

 I frowned and lightly bit down on my bottom lip tucking at it, I knew what he was saying was the truth, Mijo always spoke the truth, wither you wanted to hear it or not, that’s why he was my best friend and a part of me already knew I’d lost Jhene, I didn’t wanna admit it but I knew it, from the moment she walked out I knew it,

“You spoken to her since?” he asked snapping me out my thoughts

“Nah” I mumbled shaking my head “She aint been answering my calls nshit” he sighed loudly and sat up fully from the couch.

“Why you tell her that man? No shade but that’s fucked up on your behalf cuh”

“I said it because I know it’s the best for her. I can’t manage another kid bruh and I already know Jhene aint gonna be able to cope, you already know how she is. And looking after a kid aint fucking easy, I only been doing it for a couple weeks and I already know” I explain

“Yeah but you gotta see it from her point, she aint seeing all that, all she seeing is you asking her to kill y’all baby, she’s probably seeing it as, why can you be in yo other kid life but not hers and to be honest nigga this aint helping with the fact that she thinks you’re still in love with Jen like you told me bruh, you know how girls are, they insecure as hell. You stepping up to the plate and dealing with you and Jens kid but not you and hers is looking like a bitch ass move nigga. Real talk”

I stayed silent. Just thinking, I could hear what he was saying, but shit is different when it’s you in the actual predicament, Just then my phone vibrated signalling a message had come through, I picked it up and opened up the message that was from Bow and read it,

 Bow: “Yo nigga you know she gone to the clinic now right, T just told me”

Immediately I messaged him back

Which clinic she gone to?

I stood up from the couch and grabbed my hat and car keys from the side,

“Where the fuck you going?” Mijo asked looking up at me,

“Bow just told me Jhene gone to the abortion clinic now”

 “What you going for? You think she’s gonna wanna see you unless you changed your mind?” he said

I shrugged pulling my hat onto my head “If she does it, she can’t do this shit on her own nigga” an incoming call from Bow came through

“Yo which one she at?” I asked into the phone, Bow smacked his teeth and sighed

“Man Tikira aint telling me shit, she said Jhene said she don’t want you there anyway” he explained lowly

“Nigga I don’t care wither she wants me there or not. Nigga try and find out for me, please” I begged

“Aight, imma try her again, but I doubt they gonna say shit,” he mumbled

“Thanks man” I said as we both hanged up the phone, I looked over at Mijo and he frowned,

“What?”

“Where do girls go to get an abortion?” I asked,

“Clinic fool” he replied

“No nigga which clinic?”

“Iono, probably my choice or something”

“My choice!” I yelled loudly, of course that had to be where she was at, I quickly rushed out his bedroom and darted down the stairs bumping into Ty who was now walking up

“Slow down nigga pussy aint going anywhere!” he laughed dapping me, I quickly dapped him back and told him I holla at him then ran down the rest, heading out the front door, making my way over to the clinic I was praying she was in.

 

Jhene:

This time around I sat in My Choice abortion clinic with Tikira, waiting for my appointment, the sound of the clock above me ticking viciously as I tapped my foot in beat to it. I just wanted this to be over and done with, quickly. So I could move on with my life completely, move on from everything, just start a fresh start. Chris kept calling my phone and leaving me messages telling me to call him all morning, he was annoying the shit out of me so I turned off my phone to get away from him, Bow let him know I was getting and abortion earlier after Tiki told him. Not that I minded, bow was cool,

But Chris, I refused to answer any of his calls or messages none, I was doing what he asked for so why did he feel the need to call me. I didn’t need his ‘support’ if that’s what he was calling for, I didn’t need him to tell me everything was gonna be ok, or I was making the right decision, I didn’t need anything from him. I just needed to get his baby out of me so then I could forget him. That’s what I wanted to do, forget him. A realization hit me this morning as I was driving here and that was no amount of ‘love’ is worth this much pain. None

They say love shouldn’t hurt, and If it does then it’s time to get out right? Well that’s what I was doing, I was getting out.

I looked around the room at everyone that was in here, it felt like déjà vu. Just a mere 3 days ago I was sat in a similar room waiting for a scan to check to see if my baby was breathing and now I was sat here, awaiting the pill that was going to kill it. I felt awful, I felt like a murderer but I guess its life sometimes you gotta do things, even if you don’t wanna you have to make sacrifices.

“Are you sure you wanna do this J?” Tiki asked from the seat beside me, I shook my head yes and continued tapping. She seemed more upset than me, it was clear that she didn’t want me to do it when I asked her to follow me; she had made her opinion known this morning.

“Jhene, I don’t think you should do this, real talk, I really think you’re going to live to regret it”

She said, but I had to do it. If I wanted to move on, I had to get any trace of Chris away from me, he didn’t want anything to do with it anyway, and I couldn’t do this on my own the whole parenting thing. No way

I looked up as the door opened and a girl walked out the room, tears drowning her little face, she looked no older than 14; she was closely followed by a man who I was assuming was her father, he had a irritated look edged onto his face as he kept his hand firmly on the girls back guiding her out of the clinic, my heart immediately went out to her, It was more than clear that she was forced into aborting her child. She looked up at me for a minute and our eyes connected, I smiled a small smile at her, which she returned before turning her head. It’s like for some reason I immediately felt connected to her. I understood her pain.

“Miss Carter?” the nurse called out, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked up at her, in her white lab coat and frowned slightly “Were ready for you Miss Carter” she smiled opening up the door for me. I slowly stood up and looked back at Tiki who was shaking her head,

“Are you coming or what?” I asked blankly, if she didn’t want to she could stay out here, I didn’t care. She sighed then stood up and followed me as I walked down the short hall into an office type room.

“Hello Jhene, I’m Dr T.R Samuels” she said reaching out her hand to shake mines, I placed my hand in hers and shook it then sat down in the chairs opposite her desk, Tikira sat in the seat next to me a scowl upon her face. She was definitely against this

“Ok so I’m just going to go through the procedures of this abortion, I’m just reading your file and according to this your 15 weeks along, which means you are into your 2^nd trimester of this pregnancy, because of this, your procedure will be different to those in their 1^st trimester, so I’m just going to run you through the quick abortion process, feel free to ask any questions” she smiled

“Ok”

“Right, so let’s get started, now because you are in your 2^nd trimester of your pregnancy Miss Carter an abortion between 15-24 weeks will unfortunately require a surgery referred to as a Dilation and Evacuation, meaning dilation of your cervix and then the evacuation of your pregnancy” She explained, my heart almost jumped out of my chest and my eyes widened when she said surgery because I’ve always been terrified of any sort of surgeries, from a young age I always associated death with surgery because that’s when my mom died, during the surgery that was supposed to safe her life,

“W-what? I thought it was like a pill or some shit I had to take?” I said frowning,

“Yes, that’s the Medication Abortion but unfortunately that is only available for those in their first trimester, but because you are 15 weeks along the baby at this point has already developed a brain and its heart beat, so, therefore the procedure is slightly more complicated than a simple pill.” She explained, from the corner of my eye I could see Tiki shake her head and put her head down,

“Would you like me to continue?” Dr Samuels asks, I nod my head and she continues, “To proceed with this procedure we will have to gently stretch the cervix and dilate it to enable special forceps that the doctor will use which are similar to a pair of tongs, and a suction tube to remove the foetus from your womb, the plus side is that the procedure is a simple one and will take no longer than 20 minutes” she concluded

“Will it hurt?” I asked lowly as I could feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes, fighting to be released

“The surgery it’s self you won’t feel a thing because you will be asleep under the general anaesthetic, however after the procedure you may have some period-type pain or discomfort, the later the abortion, the more painful it may be, so it will be advised to take appropriate painkillers. You also may find that you will experience some bleeding for a couple of weeks after the abortion but that’s nothing to worry about” she smiled

“Now if there are no complications within the surgery and you are healthy you’re more likely to be able to go home the same day.  However as you will have had a general anaesthetic it would be highly advised that somebody is with you just in case” Dr Samuels explains,

“So are there any other questions you want to know Jhene before we get started?”

I sort of just sat there staring at the window behind her trying to take in everything she just said, the words, surgery kept swarming my brain, I didn’t wanna go through no surgery. The thought alone terrified me.

“Jhene?” she called again,

“Erm, can you like give us just a few minutes please?” Tiki asked the DR, she smiles sympathetically and nods her head,

“Sure, I’m just going to check everything’s in order, I won’t be a mo, but do take as long as you need, these decisions shouldn’t be taken lightly” she said getting up and exiting the room

“Jhene, are you aight?” Tiki asked grabbing my hand

“Why is he making me do this Tikira?” I asked as a tear rolls down my face

“Jhene, you don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do!” she replied

“But I do though, he doesn’t want her Tikira, he doesn’t want our baby” I mumbled still staring off into space,

“Her?”

“Yeah” I nod “it’s a girl, I can feel it, she told me” I smiled a little

“Who told you?” she asked

“My mom, she said that she needed me and at first I didn’t understand but I know who she was talking about now, she was talking about my baby. She meant my baby needed me…”

“Then why are you doing this Jhene! Look at me!” she said turning my face, I looked over at her as tears roll down her face, “Jhene, just think about it, you aint even thinking straight you don’t have to do this if you don’t really want to!”

“I do, he doesn’t want her, how am I gonna cope on my own Tiki? How am I gonna look after her on my own? I can barely look after myself” I said frowning

It was true, wither I wanted to admit it or not. I wasn’t responsible enough to look after a kid. I didn’t even have to look after myself, because I always had my dad to rely on. He done everything for me, yeah I hated to admit it, but I was spoilt. I was 18 years old, living in the comfort of my dad’s wealth with no worries, what I look like bringing up a child on my own?

“You aint gonna be alone! I will help you, you know I will just please Jhene, I’m begging you do not go through with this!”

“How are you gonna help when you live on a whole different coast? Let’s be real Tikira” I laughed lightly

“Then move back! Look, come back to New York with me, you know if you comeback you will endless support, my mom will help you out and all your family out there, please Jhene, I will be with you every step of the way if you do go through with this, but please I’m begging you don’t do it!” she pleaded.

“I can’t move back. I wish I could but I can’t”

“And why not, what’s stopping you? If its school you know you’ll get back in Abraham with no trouble” she questioned, I looked down and shook my head, playing with my fingers

“Oh my god, please tell me your not still thinking about this nigga!” she yelled slightly.  I wiped the tears from my eyes and sniffed

“You’ve got to be kidding me! Look what he’s making you do Jhene and your really still thinking about him!” she yelled, “Are you crazy?!”

“You just don’t understand Tiki, you will never understand” I trailed off, thinking about everything for a moment, everything that I’ve been through these past couple months. Just then the door to the room opens, up again and Dr Samuels’s walks back in clad in a white Lab type coat and a clip board.

“Is everything ok?” she asked smiling slightly.

“N-”

“Yeah, everything’s fine” I smiled cutting Tikira off, “I’ve made up my mind now, I understand what I’m doing,” I said standing up, Tiki looked up at me with a look of disbelief on her face, Dr Samuels smiled turning around and told me to follow her,

I guess that’s just part of loving someone, sometimes you have to give things up, even when it hurts to do so. But love is a sacrifice; and you just gotta do what you gotta do.

Tikira:

“NOO, get off meeee!” I laughed when Bow sat with a sheet on top of me pinning me down to the floor, only allowing my head to peep out, on the floor. We’d been play fighting for about 1hour now and surprisingly his short ass had more strength than I ever would have though

“Nah, you play too much!” he laughed holding me down tighter.

“SO get up nigga I can’t breath!!”

“Say you’re sorry first!” he demanded with a smirk on his face,

“Nuh uh! get yo ugly ass off me yo!”

“Say you’re sorry first!” he repeated

“No!” I laughed, with a light smacking of my teeth,

“Ite” he mumbled taking his finger and putting it straight up my nose causing me to squirm with laughter underneath him

“Ewwwww get offff!”

“Say sorry!” he yelled again

“OW YOU’RE CRUSHING ME!” I yelled lying so he would get up, but that didn’t work, he just held the sheet tighter,

“SAY SORRY!”

“Ok, Ok I’m sorry nigga! I’m sorry!” I laughed, “See that’s all I asked for…” he smiled getting up, but not before I swung my hand to hit him again, but this time he caught it in his hand and pinned me down again.

“You think your slick aint?”

“No” I shook my head,

“You tryna hit a nigga?”

“Nu uhh, my arm had a quick spasm” we both laughed; “I swear you stupid” he laughed helping me up from the floor. Once I was up I snatched my hand away from him and cut my eye playfully at him

“Say thank you nigga” he mugged “No” I replied walking off, Bow frowned his face at me and stuck out his left foot in front of me tripping me up causing me to fall hard on my knees,on the wooden floor.

“Owwwwww! My leg!” I laughed hanging my head. I swear I don’t think I’d laughed so much in my fucking life.

“Good. Your very rude nigga, no manners” he mumbled shaking his head, walking back over to the couch in Jhene’s spare room and sitting down

“Can you help me up please?” I asked sweetly. Bow looked at me like yeah right and cut his eye looking back at the TV

“Fuck you then, short ass bitch” I mumbled getting up and walking over to where he was sat and plopping down next to him.

“Don’t talk about my height cuh!” he joked scowling at me,

“Whatever, shut up!”

“But anyway listen, you should come college out here next year” he smirked leaning back,

“Is that so?” I smirked,

“Yeahhh”

“And why’s that Shadery?” I mocked

“Shadery? Fuck outta here!” he laughed loud.

“Yeah, Shadery is my new nickname for you, I don’t like Bow, it sounds stupid and Shad eh that names gay” I shrugged

“Fuck you, don’t come for my name, with yo ratchet ass name!” he replied, I busted out laughing because I knew my name was ratchet as hell “What Kind of fucking name is Tikira? Tiki for short. RATCHET BITCH!”

“Shut up half pint!”

“Ohh, you got jokes now huh?”

“Yeahhhhh, I got jokes for day’s son!”

“Whatever Ratchet Ass, but like I was saying” he said whilst slapping my arm “you should come college out here, it would be a good look for you” he smiled up at me,

“Yeah? And why’s that?” I asked.

“Because let’s face it. You going back to New York after this visit. I’m the only thing that’s gonna be on your mind, shorty! Now if you go college out here, you aint gonna have to think about me too much cos imma be right here” he winked

“Is that your attempt at spitting game to me? DEADDDDDDDDDD!” I laughed; Bow picked me up and from the couch and threw me across the room onto the bean back chair

“Man fuck you!” he laughed flipping me the bird.

“Yeah nigga I know you want to!” I retorted back “Everybody does” I shrugged. Just then a loud crashing sound came from Jhene’s bedroom; we both looked over at the door and shook our head.

“Yep, Jhene’s home” I laughed standing up and walking through her bathroom door into her room

“Whaddupp Bitchhhhhhhhh!” I yelled closing in the door behind me and turning around, but her bloodshot red eyes and the look on her face along with all the smashed pictures of her and Chris on the floor from her dresser told me everything I needed to know, shit didn’t go too well

***

Chris:

I was sat down on my bed holding the baby scan picture that Jhene had handed to me before she left. This time she just up and left, without so much as a word to me. I half expected her to go crazy at what I was asking for, fuck up my room, hit me or some shit just lash the fuck out, like she normally would, but she didn’t. Instead she just nodded her head, got up from the bed and handed me the picture then walked straight out. I’d never in my life seen her like that. Her whole demeanour was blank. Her eyes where blank, She wasn’t even crying anymore or screaming or anything, it was like she’d given up or something, I know I told her before she needed to stop wilding out but this wasn’t normal behaviour for Jhene, for her not to say anything had me worried, confused as hell too.

I didn’t know if she understood why I was asking her to get an abortion, I didn’t know anything but when she handed me the picture, I can’t lie I felt my heart bleed.

But It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to have my baby, which is what she probably seemed to think, of course I wanted her to have my baby eventually, if I could I would have liked her to have my first born but obviously that wasn’t going to happen. But I didn’t want her to have a baby yet because I knew that we wouldn’t be able to handle that responsibility right now. I was thinking logically, we were already on rocky grounds with each other before she even mentioned the baby so I knew that bringing a baby into the mix wouldn’t be a good idea for either of us.

Yeah I still had money, but the money I had can only stretch so far until it ran out, I didn’t pull jobs for Cass anymore because she didn’t want me doing it. Yeah I sold a little here and there but it was nothing compared to what I was making when I was pulling jobs left and right. So I wasn’t getting a steady income like I was before and it wasn’t enough to look after another kid either. I’d just found out I had a two year old daughter so I had to provide for her as well as my mom and then look after myself and wither she liked to admit it or not, I had to provide for Jhene and make sure she was good. Adding a baby into this would just be more stress for me

Plus I already knew Jhene, she was ambitious as hell, wanted to go to college and all that shit, make something of her life, become a professional dancer or some shit, but what I was trying to show her was her having the baby right now would prevent all that. She’d probably have to drop out of high school because she would be under going too much stress with finals nshit coming up which meant she definitely wouldn’t be going to any colleges, which then would lead to all her future goals being crushed. I didn’t want that for her, I wanted the best for her; I wanted her to be able to achieve her goals with no problems and not having to deal with a kid

But Jhene couldn’t see that shit. All she could see was me telling her to get rid of the baby. That’s all she wanted to see because once I mentioned it, she weren’t interested in anything I was saying after.

Shit was just all fucked up, One part of me didn’t want her to get rid of my kid, because at the end of the day that’s my seed, no man wants to know that someone is killing their child but that was the selfish side of me talking, she had to do it, I didn’t want my kid to grow up in a struggle. Fuck no, I didn’t want my kids to grow up how I grew up, when Mama had to fight to provide for us, I wanted my kids to get it easy, know that whatever they wanted it would be provided for them no questions asked. Yeah Niecey was here so something’s I couldn’t change, and I wouldn’t trade my child in for the world but I know if I had known back then Jen was pregnant I would have told her the same thing, Why would you want to bring a kid into the world knowing you couldn’t give it everything you wanted it to have.

 

Tikira:

“That’s all I want him to do. Is love me and my baby Tikira, but he doesn’t, I know he doesn’t love me anymore, that’s why he don’t want me to have his baby, it’s because loves her still. He loves her and her kid. He just used me until she came back for him; he used me and fucked me and got me pregnant then left me” She cried,

She’d been drunk crying now for about 1hour straight crying over Chris,  from the time she came back home which was around 5 until now, she’d  gone from the state of being angry breaking and smashing just about everything Chris related in her room to straight depressed all in the space of 4 hours. I don’t even know when or where she got drunk all I know is she stumbled her drunken ass in here breaking shit like she was crazy, but all I knew I was knock her ass out when she sobered up, like how the fuck was she drinking alcohol knowing she was pregnant. What type of shit was that?

“I hate him so much Tiki, I wish I never met him,he ruined my life” Jhene cried as she stumbled onto her bed, laying back.

“Jhene why the hell are you drinking and you know you’re pregnant?!” I asked pulling her up from the bed. She shrugged,

“Who cares! I’m just gonna kill it anyway, It’s just gonna die so it doesn’t matter” she mumbled poking her stomach hard, I frowned looking over at her,

“What the fuck do you mean you’re going to kill it? What did he say to you Jhene?”

“You know what Tikira, maybe, maybe I aint pretty enough for him , I mean Jen she’s prettyyyy” she slurred out completely ignoring my question

“JHENE!”

“Shh, let me tell you a secret Tiki” she said pulling me closer “That’s why I beat her up, because she prettier than me. So i made sure i wrecked the bitches face, fucked up her pretty little face” she laughed,

“Jhe-”

“Orrrrr maybe he thinks our baby would be ugly that’s why he doesn’t want us to have one. Remember you said Tikira ugly babies are the worst. Maybe that’s what Chris thinks too…” she started crying

“You know what Jhene, please shut up now and try and get some sleep!!!” I replied annoyed. She was irritating me now. It was getting late and all I wanted was for her to do is go asleep, but no here she was crying her eyes out over him again, ever since I’ve been here that’s all she’s done, especially when her mood was down.

I swear the more Jhene told me about this dude, the more I disliked him for how who he’d turned my best friend into; she wasn’t the same Jhene that she was when we was in Brooklyn. The same Jhene I’d grown up with, this new Jhene wasn’t the best friend I knew. He’d made her weak for him. She was so in love with him that it was hurting her. Breaking her down bit by bit, it hurt me seeing her always cry constantly over him, I’d only seen Jhene two times during these last couple months. Once when she came back to NY and now. And both times she was in pain or crying over him she hardly ever used to cry and now since she’d been with him out here that seemed like all she did, was cry. I didn’t understand what was so special about him that she couldn’t just let him go it was more than clear they both were too much for each other to handle. So why not let each other go?

“No, I don’t wanna sleep! I just wanna talk to him Tiki and tell him I’m sorry, I just wanna talk to him that’s it, I wanna talk to my baby” she sobbed quietly to herself.

Almost on cue her phone rang One Call Away and she quickly searched around for the phone that was sitting right next to her. She was a mess, she didn’t need to be talking to anyone right now; I leaned over her and grabbed it off the bed before she could reach it and looked at the name on the  screen, she definitely didn’t need to be talking right now,

“Give me my phoneee” She wined trying to stand up but failing, I smacked my teeth and tapped the answer button walking out the room and locking the door behind so Jhene couldn’t get out.

“Hello” 

“Baby, you o-wait who is this?!” he asked when he realised Jhene didn’t answer.

“I swear you better be fucking calling to apologize to her right now!” I gritted out angrily, my hands were shaking with how angry I was right now Bow looked up at me from the game with wide eyes. 

“Man put Jhene on the phone” he mumbled smacking his teeth

“No! You know you got her crying her fucking heart out over you right, got her in the room crying her eyes out DOUBTING her fucking self over you! Wondering why you don’t fucking love her no more, in pain over yo ass!” 

“Man put Jhene on the phone, I didn’t her call her phone to talk to you so put her on the phone” he mumbled again, his nonchalant attitude making me sick. Out of all the nigga’s in god damn L.A Jhene could of fell in love with, she chose this dickhead.

“No I aint putting her on the damn phone! What so you can hurt her even more? Or is it so you can feed her more fucked up bullshit ass lies son! Nigga you’re a pussy! What kind of man gets his girl pregnant then hints for her to get an abortion because you don’t wanna face up to the consequences? You weren’t thinking about that shit when you fucking her though right? But now she pregnant with yo child you want the easy way out?” I yelled, tears falling out my eyes, I never ever cried, but seeing my best friend the way she was and all over some idiot who didn’t even deserve her made me mad as hell.

“Ay T, pass the phone” Bow said standing up and walking towards me taking the phone from my ears

“Aye breezy imma get Jhene to call you back later Aiight” I heard Chris say something into the phone “Aight I’ll tell her when she wake up” Bow said then hanged up putting Jhene’s phone on the side.

“I fucking hate that nigga son, like you don’t understand right now!” I said punching my fist into the palm of my hand and pacing back and forth tryna calm myself down,

“Man T, you need to let them two work this shit out on they own. Every relationship has ups and downs” he replied calmly.

“NAH FUCK THAT SON! Do you see how she is in there?” I yelled pointing to the door, “she’s fucking broken all over his dumb ass”

“I understand but you can’t get involved, you only seeing shit from Jhene’s point, I’m positive that nigga Breezy is hurting too cuh, that’s why he’s being like that!” he sticks up for Chris

“Fuck that shit bruh, I’ll ride till the wheels fall the fuck off for my best friend, just like you riding for your boy I’m riding for my girl, I don’t wanna hear that shit about he’s hurt. I don’t give a fuck if he’s hurt! How many times has he hurt Jhene and she still always wanna be with him? Man fuck him!” I kissed my teeth snatching her phone up from the side and walking back to Jhene’s bedroom, Bow sat down and sighed heavily, I didn’t want to yell at him but right now his feelings didn’t matter

***

“What time is it?” Jhene mumbled rolling over onto her back, I leaned up rubbing my eyes and looked at the clock on her nightstand, “6:14 in the morning” I mumbled to her with a yawn,

“Oh, my head fucking hurts!” she complained whilst sitting up on her bed. It was the next morning, from her drunken state, everybody in her house was still sleep and Bow had gone home like 1 in the morning because we both practically stayed up watching Jhene puke her guts out  and talk her shit until she eventually went to sleep,

“Yeah because you were acting a fool last night” I mumbled,

“What?”

“You were drunk bitch!” I explained.

“The fuck you mean I was drunk? Why the hell did you make me drink then!” she tutted

“No dont try it, you came home drunk. I don’t know where the hell you were drinking”

She smacked her teeth and slid off her bed heading towards the bathroom “I need a fucking painkiller or something” she mumbled before closing the bathroom door.

 

Jhene:

After I popped two Aspirins for this banging as headache I’d woke up with, I dragged myself into the shower staying in there for like an hour straight letting the tears from my eyes mix in with the water from the shower head, funny enough It relieved the headache I had, and just for a moment I cleared my entire head, and just thought about nothing. Once the water began to run cold I hopped out doing the whole dress routine and pulling my wet hair up into a high ponytail before I walked out into my room, looking over at Tiki who was texting with a big ass smile on her face,

“Who the fuck you texting so earlier in the morning?” I mumbled, walking over to my laundry basket and throwing my clothes inside of it,

“You already know” she said throwing her phone down and then looking up at me, “You been crying again aint you” she said, her face forming into a frown

“No I haven’t.” I mumbled walking into my closet to pull out a pullover

“Don’t lie to me Jhene, your eyes are red as hell, they look like balloons or some shit” she stated,

“Whatever Tikira, anyway what you doing today? I know you and Bow are going somewhere” I mocked, with a smirk quickly changing the subject hoping she would catch on and drop it, but no, Tiki looked at me with a plain face and raised her eyebrow at me

“Nuh uh, we aint talking about that right now, WE still need to talk bruh!”

I sighed kissing my teeth, “Tikira just drop it, Ion wanna talk about it”

“Jhene, I’ve been your best friend for how long, you should know you can tell me anything…” she trailed off

“What do you want me to tell you? He doesn’t want the baby so it is what it is” I said with a shrug. This was something I didn’t want to talk about but knowing Tiki she wasn’t about to drop it like I’m asking, I was gonna get the abortion so what was the problem.

“What did he say to you Jhene?” she asked, irritated,

“He said, in not so many words that I must get an abortion Tikira!” I yelled, she was irritating me now

“So that’s it?” she asked with attitude, “Just because HE don’t wanna be man enough to take his part in the responsibility for BOTH y’all actions you giving up?”

“It’s not even like that” I mumbled

“So how is it like Jhene? Because from where I’m standing, that’s exactly what it look like”

“It’s not that-”

“Look you can talk to me Jhene, seriously whatever it is just let me know” Tikira pressed on

Tiki:

Jhene sighed heavily and walked over plopping down next to me on the bed, I turned my body in her direction facing her, as she held her head in her hands, I knew something was weighing heavily on her mind, she was stressed out and no matter how nonchalant she wanted to act about this decision, she wasn’t feeling it at all,

“Like he says he loves me right, he says it all the time, but I don’t know; Im starting to not believe him anymore and if he does, it’s not the same Tikira. It’s not how he used to love me” she began shaking her head, frowning “Do you know what I think, everything aside. All bullshit aside, I think he loves the idea of being in love with me, but he’s not IN love with me, not like I am with him”

“But Jhene-”

“No wait, please just let me talk. I don’t even wanna listen to anyone anymore” she said, her eyes welling up with tears,

“Aight go head” I mumbled, she diverted her attention back to the bed before she began again

“I know I shouldn’t feel like this right, because you’re not supposed to feel like this with your own boyfriend but, I feel so used Tikira, like I’m starting to think he just used me to try and forget his last heartbreak but he wasn’t supposed to love me like he claims he does, it was an accident, he used me, got attached, fucked me and then got me pregnant accidentally, now basically I’m left alone with this decision, because either way whatever i decide to do, it’s gonna be me left with the consequences” she laughed to herself lightly, “That’s it” she shrugged. She stayed silent for a long while staring of before she continued,

“You know sometimes, I regret not keeping my promise to Alex, because if I did, none of this would have happened. I regret so much shit now” she said wiping her falling tears

“What promise?” I asked confused, I hadn’t heard Jhene mention Alex’s name in months not ever since what happened between the two of them and now here she was regretting shit, she looked up at me and chuckled shaking her head,

“When I first moved out here, he made me promise to him that I wouldn’t move on too quickly and I did promise it to him, but I broke it and now i wish i hadn’t… And even then, I’d broken his heart but he never hurt me, even when we went through our shit, he NEVER ever hurt me. He loved me but his love didn’t hurt, not like Chris’…and if I would have kept my promise to Alex and not moved on so quickly, I wouldn’t be hurting right now” she said wiping her tears again

“So I guess you could say this is my entire fault because Alex was in love with me and I hurt him by making him promises and then breaking them when I got with Chris so this is my Karma because now I know how he felt.”

“Jhene, look you can’t compare you and Alex’s situation to this, it’s too completely different things, you and chr-”

“No it is Tikira” she said cutting me off “It’s the same only this time I’m the one on the receiving end of the hurt” she mumbled shaking her head, just then her phone vibrated from her lap, i glanced down at Chris’ name in her lap before she tapped ignore and shook her head holding it in her hands,

“Don’t fall in love T” she continued “Because it sucks, it sucks worst than anything you can imagine. Love is a bunch of bullshit, fuck love because if this is part of the feelings you have when you’re in love, it’s not worth it; nothing you love should be worth this amount of hurt and pain” she said before she got up from the bed and walking into her closet,

A few moments later she came out, fully clothed in a pair of black sweats and a black jacket, with her chucks, she walked over to her side dresser grabbing her keys and money off the side, along with her phone and stuffed it into her pocket,

“Jhene” I called out to her sitting up from her bed,

“What?” she mumbled looking up at me with red puffy eyes. I sighed and stood up from the bed walked over hugging her,

“Everything’s gonna be ok, don’t even worry about him, he aint worth it. And I know it’s hard to see right now but things will get better” I said as I pulled away

“No it’s not” she mumbled quietly, “It’s not gonna get better Tikira never”

“T, can you do me a favour?” she asked staring off as tears rolled down her face

“Yeah what’s up?” I asked wiping her tears with the back of my hands.

“Can you follow me to the abortion clinic please? I really don’t wanna go on my own”

Jhene:

The tightening grip around my waist and  light snores coming from behind me is what woke me up the next morning, Rubbing my tired eyes fiercely it took me a minute to realize I wasn’t in the comfort of my room at home where I should be and that I was still actually at Chris’ house. Last night without even realizing I must have fallen asleep over here instead of going home like I’d initially planned too. I’d stayed up for so long last night just staring into nothing, thinking, my mind ticking a mile a minute, my mind felt like it was caving in with these thoughts. For some reason I had a strong feeling about the events of today, it was a weird feeling, a feeling I couldn’t quite explain. But it was a feeling that was there, right in the pit of my stomach.

Carefully without trying to wake him up I tried to remove Chris’ arm from around my waist so I could get up, only his grip got tighter and instead of letting go, he pulled my body closer towards him, as if we could be any closer right now.

“Chris can you let me go please?”

“Why, where you going?” he asked in his sleepy voice

“I need to use the toilet” I lied; Chris made a groaning sound and mumbled something before reluctantly letting me go. “Hurry up” he mumbled again before turning the opposite way around, Quickly I slipped out off the bed and grabbed my phone off the side, and made my way into his bathroom. Locking the door behind me I sat on the edge of his bathtub and quickly dialled Tiki’s number. “Come on come on!” I mumbled waiting for her to answer tapping my feet nervously on the tiled flooring,

“Hello?” she answered in a croaky tone,

“Did I wake you up?” I asked

“You dirty little hoe, Where the fuck is you at?” she asked

“I’m still over at Chris house’” I mumbled with a heavy sigh

“Oh for real? It went well then…” she assumed, I sighed again and shook my head as if she could see me,

“No, I haven’t told him yet… Well I did tell him but, he didn’t hear. I don’t think he did anyways” I rambled

“What? Your not making sense, what happened?” she asked, I smacked my teeth and sighed, simultaneously,

“So basically yesterday night we were talking right…” I went on to explain to her the events of yesterday, night how Jeniece was over and him falling asleep on me when I told him.

“Well why did you tell him when he was half sleep Jhene? That aint smart” she told

“He said he was listening that’s why! I didn’t know he was gonna fall asleep shit!”

“Damn Jhene, Look just stop putting it off and go and tell him again like NOW!”

“I don’t wanna say it againnnn! Cant I just leave a fucking note?” I laughed lightly

“Leave the note and imma drag yo ass back to his crib and allow him to whoop yo ass” she replied, I chuckled at her shaking my head “Fuck with me Carter!”

“Ite, fuck!”

“Look, you two spoke y’all shit out yesterday and you say he loves you right?”

“Yeah” I mumbled

“Well then he should understand. The longer you keep it, the harder it’s gonna be” she said, I sighed deeply running my fingers through my tangled curls,

“Ok Ok, imma tell him now” I whined kicking my feet like a toddler

“You better! I’m gone, I’ll see you when you get here, goodbye.” She said hanging up the phone before I could answer her, I kissed my teeth and sat up from the tub side and threw my head back.

“Why mee!” I whined stamping my feet, I didn’t want to tell him anything again, it was hard enough saying it yesterday when things where  all calm, now I had to repeat myself and say the words I’d been dreading to say ever since I found out; I just wanted to crawl away and hide forever. I don’t know why this was so hard but I was. If he’d just been listening yesterday everything would be done now, I knew Tikira and Mama J wasn’t about to let me forget this either. I doubt Mama J would even let me leave this house until I let him know with how excited she seemed yesterday.

“Ok just go in there and lay it on him straight Jhene, how hard can this be” I coached myself as I unlocked the bathroom door, and slowly opened it, breathing in and out slowly,

I walked back into Chris’ room and looked over to see he was no longer in his bed, I scrunched up my face a little looking around “Chris?” I called but no answer, sighing heavily I walked back over to his bed, at least this gave me a couple minutes to really think this through I thought.

Until I felt the sudden feel of arms wrapped around me again and pull me back, snapping me out of my drowning thoughts, Chris placed a kiss on the back of my neck, “Morning beautiful” he mumbled, resting his head in the crook of my neck.

“Morning” I smiled a little. A nervous smile, my heart was racing a mile a minute right now, I felt as if I needed to be sick or something, it made no sense how something so little, could be so big.

“Are you hungry?” Chris asked turning me around to face him then placed his hands back on my hips, I shook my head no.

Chris scrunched up his face and raised his eyebrow, “Whaaat? You’re not hungry are you ok?” he mocked, smirking a little,

“Shut up, you’re not even funny!” I giggled hitting him. He smiled and leaned down pecking my lips before taking his hands off my hips and turning back around, “No wait Chris, I need to tell you something!” I said pulling his arm,

“Aight one minute let me go piss first” he said grabbing his crotch

“Can’t it wait?” I asked, he shook his head

“No, unless you want me to piss on your leg” he joked “I aint gonna be a minute hold on” he said pulling away from my grip and jogging over into the bathroom to use the toilet, I sighed and flopped down on is bed and let my head hang, my hair falling in my face as I silently sat there thinking through my thoughts of how I was gonna say it. Maybe I should just hint to him and allow him to figure it out himself. No knowing his dumb ass he wouldn’t figure shit out. Or maybe I should leave him a note and quickly leave before he comes back out. Yeah that would be a good idea, only I would have to face the consequences later, from not only him but Tiki as well. I swear this felt like the hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my life.

***

Roughly 10 slow minutes of my life Chris casually walked out of the bathroom after telling me he was just using the toilet, with a towel wrapped around his waist, drying of his face with another towel like he’d just came out the shower, for a moment I couldn’t help but stare at him in awe as small water pellets dripped down his torso, into the lines of his abs, my eyes followed him closely as he made his way over to his draw dropping his towel to pull on his boxers. My eyes fixed in a daze of amazement on the bulge in his boxers; I swear these hormones mixed with these thoughts had my mind on another level. The same damn thoughts that got me in this damn situation in the first place.

“Stop looking at my dick you pervert!” he chuckled not even looking at me and grabbing his deodorant of his side draws and spraying it under his arms,

“What? I’m not even looking at you” I lied terribly snapping out my daze and diverting my attention to the blank TV screen. Chris laughed and made his way over to the bed where I was sat.

“Its ok babe, you can look” he smiled leaning down hovering over me, causing me to fall backwards onto my back,

“I don’t wanna look, get up” I said pushing him by his chest, but he held affirm not budging but instead leaning down closer until we was literally chest to chest,

“Stop frontin” he mumbled leaving wet kisses all along the side of my jaw before heading straight to my spot on my neck

“I’m not frontin, get up Chris we need to talk!” I moaned pushing him still.

“Let’s just talk after, I’ll listen then” he said, working his hands downwards and into my sweats

“NO, Chris I can’t!” I yelled slapping his hand away and pushing him completely off me, sitting up.

Chris leaned up on his elbows and cocked his eyebrow at me,

“What, you on your period or something?” he asked completely oblivious to the fact that I hadn’t had a real period in months.

“I wish” I mumbled looking down,

“Well then what’s the problem then? Come on” he said pulling me back down, but once again I fought him off,

“No, Chris seriously I can’t right now!” I protested

“What do you mean you can’t? What, is there something wrong with you down there?” he asked raising both his brow at me then diverting his eyes to my crotch, I leaned my elbows on my knees and held my head down,

“I can’t because I’m scared…”

“You’re scared!” Chris said his voice going up an octave, “What the hell is you scared about? We’ve done this many, MANY times before Jhene” he chuckled, unaware we was both talking about to completely different topics. “Look I’ll go slowly if you’re scared” he said with a smirk

“It’s not that!” I yelled annoyed “Argh this is so fucking messed up!” I cried into my hands, Chris leaned up to me and pulled me into his chest,

“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked, sympathetically “We don’t have too if you don’t wanna”

“I’m so sorry Chris, I’m so sorry”

“Why are you sorry? Is this about the other day? Because if so you don’t have anything to be sorry about, I was the one who fucked up we talked about this last night” he said pulling me even closer, if possible

“No Chris you don’t understand! You don’t understand!”

“Of course I understand Jhene, I know you’re still hurting because I hurt you and I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you”

“No no, no you still don’t understand!” ” I cried into his chest my tears soaking his bare chest, this was all too much,

“Then explain it to me!” he said looking at me confused

“I don’t wanna be second, and that’s how it’s gonna be, were always gonna come second to you” I explained, Chris pulled away from me a bit and looked at me with nothing but confusion on his face, I know he didn’t understand me because not even I understood what I was talking about.

“Jhene, look you’re confusing me again, what are you talking about? Why would we come second?” he asked scrunching up his face. I sighed and shook my head. Why was this so hard to just come out and say

“Is this about Niecey?” he asked “Because if it is you don’t have anything to worry about, she’s my daughter but you’re my girlfriend, its two completely different types of love I aint putting anyone in first or second place…”

“Oh my god you just don’t understand me Chris, just forget it” I sobbed into my hands

 “I do understand you think I’m gonna put my daughter before our relationship but it aint like that. There’s no need to put anyone first because your both-”

“Chris, I’m pregnant…” I blurted out, he was rambling on and what he was saying wasn’t anything to do with anything I was talking about, what he was on about was completely irrelevant right now and it was too much to listen too.

“Chris, I’m pregnant…”

Silence;

The room fell into a deadly but tense silence; it was like everything around me stopped moving, an abrupt halt. Chris’ face slowly turned into a pale ghastly white as he stared horrified into my face but not saying a word. He had zoned out, completely frozen, he was looking at me but at the same time it was like he was looking completely through me,

I sat there contemplating my next words because I was scared of his reaction, the look of dismay on his face left me nervous as hell, he was just frozen up to a point where I could hardly see him breathing,

“Chris please say something…” I begged lowly, I wanted him to say something, anything, I couldn’t take the silence it was killing me, it felt like the world stopped spinning, but still he never spoke, he remained silent, his body still  not moving it was almost as if he was a statue.

“Chris…”

“Tell me you’re joking with me right.” He spoke, slowly at a low subtle monotone. Still never taking his eyes away from mine

I shook my head no slowly so slow I doubt he even saw but he did, I was scared to speak, as the tears started back up blurring my vision and falling from my eyes. Immediately he got up from the bed causing me to jump a little from the sudden change in his reaction, and then started pacing back and forth in his room making me feel even more uncomfortable and at unease, in literally a  matter of seconds everything went from a complete standstill to moving at an increasingly fast pace.

“W-what do you mean you’re pregnant Jhene?!” he asked his hands glued to his head in disbelief, I didn’t speak, it was like we’d swapped roles, I was now the frozen silent one. Words wouldn’t form, words couldn’t form; my voice had packed up and walked away from me leaving me alone. I was completely dumb for a moment.

“JHENE!” he yelled at me, the fear in me allowed me to mutter out words

“I mean I’m having a baby” I whispered. That’s the best I could give. A minimal whisper

“I thought you said you took the fucking pill!” he exclaimed at me causing me to jump again, the look in his eyes was deadly, his beautiful brown orbs where no longer that, instead they were black and cold almost marble like.

Immediately I wish I’d never said anything to him.  I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.

“I did! But shit happens Chris I don’t know, I’m must have forgotten, I don’t know, I don’t remember, I’m just as confused as you are!”

I don’t know why I said I’d might of forgotten because I hadn’t forgotten, I DID take the pill that time, matter fact I took it straight afterwards that was the only time I could remember that Chris came inside me, and anyways all the other times I had sex with him we used a condom until I went back on birth control so how or when this happened was still a mystery that I couldn’t for the life of me figure out. 

“HOW CAN YOU FORGET?!” he yelled, causing the water works to come down heavier.

“I don’t know! You can’t put all the blame on me Chris, I asked you time and time again to wrap up as well! This is just as much your responsibility as mine!” I yelled back through my tears

“Nah man this shit can’t be happening right now! This has to be a fucking joke! No cuh, you can’t be pregnant! You don’t even look pregnant! Nah you sure the fucking test wasn’t wrong?!” he rambled on pacing back and forth worry, panic, confusion, every negative emotion you could think of heavily consuming his face

“Well unless all the 3 tests were wrong and me seeing it on the screen the other day was an illusion no.” I explained wiping the floods of tears that was pouring from my eyes. Chris looked down at me frowning his face when I said that,

“What the fuck do you mean you saw it on a screen the other day? How long have you known all this?!” he yelled at me.

“Just a couple of weeks” I whispered “not that long”

“So you’ve known all this damn time and you didn’t think to even say anything to me, you just thought you’d keep this shit to yourself?”

“No I-”

“No What?!” he cut me off

“I was scared to tell you! Because of how you’re reacting now, that’s why I didn’t say anything! Because I was scared!” I yelled back at him, His face softened for a moment, but then immediately after he looked away from me tensing his jaw

“You can’t have this baby Jhene nah” he shook his head “I can’t be turning 18 with two kids. How the fuck am I supposed to provide for the both of them?” he said more so to himself whilst leaning up against the wall, I looked up at him from the bed and scrunched up my face, what did he mean I can’t have this baby.

“So wait, what are you saying? You don’t want me to have this baby? You want me to kill it?” I asked sniffing.

“Look I love you Jhene, you know this but you gotta think about it, you aint thinking straight Jhene! The both of us are still young, how we gonna raise this baby by ourselves and still manage to go to college this coming year? We can barely look after our self, we aint even finished high school yet! Where we gonna live Jhene? Where am I gonna get the money to provide for the both of you like I should when I don’t even do the jobs for Cass anymore?” 

“So what are you saying Chris? Yes or no do you want me to kill it?” I asked again.

“I’m saying we got to think about the logical options. You got to think about the future Jhene, looking after a kid isn’t as easy as it seems!”

“So what are you saying?” I asked once again, Chris sighed and smacked his teeth before he wiped his face,

“I’m saying what’s the best option out?” 

Jhene:

“Wassup” he nodded as we both stood awkwardly on his front porch, earlier today I tried calling Chris again to let him know we needed to talk but just as last time he didn’t answer his phone, it was like he was avoiding talking to me or something, so after that I told myself I weren’t trying again, I wasn’t calling him again, and instead I was just gonna text it to him. I thought long and hard about sending him a simple text with the 3 words, ‘Chris I’m Pregnant’ I even had the message typed up ready to send, but Tikira intervened as usual and stopped me from sending it telling me I needed to tell him not text it to him, So here I was after I finally decided to stop being stupid and just take my chances and go over to his house to tell him about the baby not knowing wither he was home or not, luckily enough he was in.

Looking up at Chris’ he looked tired as hell though, like he’d been up for days or something, he didn’t look his normal self. He had let his normally neatly shaved facial hair grow and his hair was grown out so that his curls where in full affect but it wasn’t like I’d seen before, it was longer than usually when his curls grew, they looked like you could put them in small twists if you tried hard enough.

It fitted him though, I guess. I can’t even lie even though he didn’t look like himself, he looked sexy as hell and these damn hormones where raging inside me; I had to literally fight with myself not to jump on him and just kiss him. Standing face to face with him put into prospect how much I actually missed him. How much I love him.

“Hey” I smiled small, looking up at him.

“How you been?” he asked looking down at me, I looked away and shrugged

“Iono, good I guess, you?”

“Living, Living” he mumbled, leaning on his door frame

“That’s what’s up” I nodded, before shit went awkward again. I know we both had so much to say to each other, especially me but being around him again felt nothing but awkward.

“I tried calling you yesterday and earlier today but you weren’t answering your phone” I mumbled, looking at me feet

“Oh yeah, I saw the missed calls. I was meant to call you back but it just slipped my mind” he shrugged, I looked up at him and slightly frowned my face, that was a straight burn to my chest, like oh yeah I was supposed to call you but I forgot. It would have been better if he said he didn’t wanna call me back at least that would be something I would believe.

“Oh…” I trailed of shaking my head, before shit went awkward again, it took everything in me not to turn back around to my car and be like forget it. It would have been better me texting him anyway  with the way shit was.

“So did you want something?” he asked unambiguously. Part of me was seriously about to say no forget I came here, just forget this, his attitude was making me wanna catch an attitude and that was pissing me off, and I didn’t need this right now but then again it wasn’t me I was doing this for so instead I said

“Look, can I come in?” there was no way I was about to tell him what I needed to standing on his porch steps.

“Erm, sure” he said reluctantly opening his door wider for me to walk inside. Once I walked in Chris shut his front door and the smell of Mama J’s cooking swarmed up my nose making me instantly hungry.

“My mom’s in the kitchen, she probably gonna wanna say hello” Chris hinted before walking past me heading back to his room. I shook my head a little before I made my way to the kitchen to say hello to Mama J. She was stood by the stove drinking a cup of coffee with a tall dark skin man, I’m assuming this was the infamous ‘Co-worker’ she’d told me about.

“Hey Mama” I said walking further inside, she gasped and turned around quickly when she heard me placing her cup on the counter and walking over to me.

“Jhene! Baby how have you been?” she said pulling me into a loving hug, which I returned.

“I’ve been good mama, and you?” I asked once we pulled out the hug.

“Oh, I’ve been well angel. Is everything ok? With you and…” she asked, I knew exactly what she was on about. I smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, I went for a scan yesterday, the doctor said everything’s well” I explained lowly,

“Oh that’s excellent news!” She squealed smiling, brightly her smile causing me to chuckle then smile. Mama J was so excited about this it was funny to me, “Ooh how rude of me” she said realizing she still had her guest in the room

“Jhene, this is my friend Joe. Joe this is my future daughter in law Jhene” she laughed, I smiled at her and shook my head

“Hi” I greeted him with a small handshake which he returned “Anyway Mama, imma be downstairs. I need to talk to Chris…” I trailed.

“Oh yeah, Good luck angel” she smiled before I walked out the kitchen heading downstairs into Chris’ room where he was at dreading every moment I walked down the steps.

Once I reached the bottom and walked through the game room into his, the first thing I noticed was he had switched it around from the last time I was over here, it looked more spacious than normal, he also no longer had those ‘infamous’ posters of the half naked girls on his walls anymore and instead had more art like pictures up. I guess as part as his fatherly duties to a two year old girl it wasn’t appropriate to have half naked girls on his walls anymore.

I looked over where Chris was sat long ways on his bed, with his BEATS on bobbing his head to whatever music he was listening to whilst sketching something on a drawing pad, I sighed as i closed in the door in and sat my bag on his floor then slowly made my way over to his bed, he was so in his zone I don’t think he had even realized I was in the room until I sat down on his bed and he jumped a little.

“Oh shit I didn’t even see you” he laughed taking off his headphones.

“Yeah you was in your zone I see” I smiled, Chris looked at me and nodded his head up and down then looked around

“What you drawing any way?” I asked leaning back a bit.

“Ah, it’s nothing” he laughed closing the pad

“Nuh uh Let me see!” I said leaning over “Obviously it wasn’t nothing” I mumbled snatching it out his hand then hoping off the bed before he could reach,

“Yo this stuff is really good though!” I said flipping through his book; it had all sorts of drawings in it; most which consisted of Graffiti type art, I knew Chris could draw from the random shit he would sketch occasionally on just about anything he could get his hands on, but these pictures were amazing

“Yeah I guess” he shrugged nonchalantly. I smacked my teeth at his nonchalant attitude and walked over to his bed kicking off my shoes before sitting lying next to him on the bed flipping through the drawing pad.

“Erm, excuse you who is this supposed to be?” I said side eyeing him when I came to a particular drawing. Chris laughed and snatched the book out of my hand closing it.

“Stop being nosey” he chuckled, licking his lips.

“Don’t draw pictures of me!” I laughed sitting up.

“How did you know it was you though? It could have been anyone…” he smiled,

I leaned over him again and snatched the book up flipping back to the drawing, “This is me nigga!” I laughed showing him the cartoon like drawing off me, it was a portrait of a picture Chris had taken of me a while ago on his’ phone, I was sat in the lunch hall with his nerd glasses, Mijo’s turban hat, some shit he’d worn to school that day thinking he was cool and my eye’s where crossed whilst I blew out a bubble from the gum I was chewing on. I looked a mess.

“You look simple” Chris laughed,

“Shut up you hater, I looked fly that day!” I chuckled flipping through the book some more but stopping when I came to another drawing of me, it was similar to the one he had drew on my wall a couple months ago only this one was much more detailed, I was facing downwards and my face was in a slight frown with one single tear off my face as chaotic shit went on behind me, in the picture I still had my Nala necklace on, something I hadn’t worn in ever. Everything was drawn In pencil a black and white sketch accept the necklace that had some colour to it making it the first thing you notice when you look at the picture  I looked at the date and realised this was the picture that I’d walked in on Chris drawing. 

I looked up to him and he diverted his attention from the book to the TV chewing down on his bottom lip. I sighed and closed the book setting it back down. As the room fell awkwardly silent again.

“How did we come to this Chris?” I asked quietly

Chris turned his head to face me, “I don’t know man, I don’t know” he said furrowing his eyebrows,

“Look, I don’t wanna keep fighting with you and having all this animosity between us, it aint even cool. And the truth is I miss you and I wanna try and wor-”

Just then Chris’ bedroom door handle turned cutting me off, and after a couple seconds of whoever playing with the handle trying to get it open, the door pushed open, I looked over and a few seconds later a little girl came running inside his room, I felt my heart literally drop.

“Daddy, daddy look!” she said as she held up a broken arm from her baby doll. Chris sat up from the bed and looked over at her as she ran over to his side of the bed showing him her broken doll with wide eyes.

“You broke her?” he asked taking it out her hands, the little girl pouted and shook her head no

“She hurt!” she told him in worried tone a hint of panic in her voice

“She is?!” Chris asked in a mocking tone, and the little girl shook her head yes. “Aight, imma fix her in a minute for you ok” he said.

“Okay, c-can I have some cookie?” she asked smiling cutely her little dimples sinking deeply into her cheeks

“Yeah, in a minute but first I want you to meet somebody first aight” he told her and she shook her head yes, Chris picked her up from the floor and sat her on his lap facing us. I scrunched up my face a little, trying to figure out where I’d seen this little girl before; she was cute as hell though, she looked too much like Chris just like Tikira had said, her hair was jet black like Jens but curly just like his and bunched in two little pigtails, her nose was shaped exactly like Chris’, she had the same deep brown eyes as his and even had light little freckles randomly on her face, they weren’t as much as Chris’ but she had inherited some. The only thing of Jens she had in her was her deep dimples and skin complexion, Other than that she was Chris all over.

“Lil Mama, this is daddy’s girlfriend, Jhene” he said to her, I looked over at him when he called me his girlfriend; he looked at me and smiled. “Jhene, this my daughter Jeniece” he introduced

Jeniece, that’s where I knew her from, how could I forget that name I thought, She was the same little girl that Danielle was with that day when me and Krissy saw her at the mall. I guess that was why Danielle seemed so nervous when she was around me, because she knew she was holding Chris’ kid. It all made sense.

“I know, I’ve seen her before” I said to him, Chris scrunched up his face at me,

“What?”

“Yeah, she was the same little girl I saw at the Ice-Cream shop with Danielle, that day me and Krissy left you when we was shopping” I explained,

“Oh. For real?” Chris said nodding his head. “Small world” he said looking back at Jeniece, Jeniece looked up at me and then Chris frowning a little.

“Where’s my mommy?” she asked pouting like she was about to cry,

“She had to work” Chris explained to her

“I want my mommy” she whined,

“She’ll be back in a little while ok”

“You wanna call her?” I asked and she looked over at me and nodded, “Okay, let’s call her” I said picking her up of Chris’ lap and sitting her on mines, I pulled out my phone and started dialling, Chris looked over then stared at me like I’m crazy,  “It’s my voicemail, I got mad messages she can listen to” I explained

He laughed a little as I held the phone up to her ear before she grabbed hold of it herself. “She’s like the only person that makes this phone look so big” I smile, then hear the operator start talking and Jeniece frowns up

“What she say?” she asked looking at me

“I dunno” I mumbled with a shrug my shoulders and she keeps listening then starts laughing and looks at Chris and gasps and puts her hand over her mouth “daddy it’s youuuu!” she yells in amazement

“It is?!” he replied in her tone and she nodded her head as another message on the phone starts playing

“Uh oh, she said a bad word!” Jeniece explains, I look at Chris and he raises his eyebrow

“It’s probably Tiki” I laughed

“Oh hell yeah, that’s her. I met her the other day she wild as fuck yo!” he laughed

“Don’t cuss, stupid” I scold slapping his shoulder

“Yeah” Jeniece says, we both look down at her and laugh as she starts having a full blown conversation with my voicemails, “What you say?” she says covering her other ear “I can’t hear you!”

I stare down at her and she shakes her head and hands me the phone. “I don’t know what she saying” she frowns making her face up exactly how Chris does when he’s upset or angry about something

“She looks like you when she does that” I laugh, Chris smiled and shook his head as Jeniece reached back for my phone again and starts playing with it. After a few moments of her listening to my voicemails I go to the music and show her how to make them play before she starts dancing in my lap and then gasps when Rihanna Cake plays

“Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake oh baby you like it.” She sings along then starts singing her own words not knowing what the song is saying, Chris looks over at her and scrunches up his face disapprovingly causing me to start cracking up laughing as she continues to dance in my lap.

“Ah hell nah you aint singing about no damn cake” he yells taking the phone out her hand “you two, you don’t even have cake!” he scolds making me laugh even harder at his facial expression,

“No dadddyyyyyy!” Jeniece yells trying to grab the phone from his hand as he changes the song, to 2pac Hail Mary.

“Yeeaaahhhh that’s that real OG shit!” he yells bobbing his head “Nod your head Lil Mama!” he tells  her, she looks up at Chris and cuts her eye pouting then covers her ears frowning at him

“tunn it offfff!” she whines

“See Chris she don’t wanna hear this!” I say leaning over him and snatching the phone out his hand turning it off, and changing it to Superbass Jeniece takes her hands off her ears and smiles widely, her dimples deeping in her cheek, “You like this one?” I ask her and she nods her head and takes the phone from my hand,

“Daddy, it’s Nicki ninaj!” she yells

“What the hell!” he says and starts laughing

“Aww that’s adorable, Nicki Ninaj!!” I giggle.

“Yew know ha?” she asks me wide eyed. I nod and she smiles and slides of my lap and off the bed as the chorus starts. Then start singing along with Nicki’s word

“boom b-b-boom BABY!” she sings along and starts rocking from side to side like she’s dancing.

“Oh okay, go head Lil Mama!” I laugh watching her, she puts her hands on her waist and keeps rocking and Chris stares at her and starts laughing

“Who the hellll she be watching do that?!” He laughs

“She gonna be in them music videos, shaking her cake!” I laugh watching her as she dances  

“Oh hell nah, I’d whoop her ass before she does that hoe shit” I cover his mouth and he starts laughing. “Mmm mmmmm” he mumbles into my hand so I move it from his mouth

“What?”

“My baaaad” I shake my head and look back at her and she walks over to the TV and stands right in front of it and stares at it

“She a lil busybody” I smile

“I know man, I gotta tire her out if ever want her to go to sleep and she a little kid, so she be on some shit” Chris says shaking his head

“If you don’t STOP cussing!”

“She aint hear me though!” he shrugs

“Still, when she starts saying it back to you, don’t say I didn’t warn you bruh”

“Yeah, she say that shit back to me I whoop her ass again” he laughs

“You just gonna whoop her ass for everything aint you?”

“Yep! That’s how daddies do!” he yells, I look at him an shake my head

“Mean ass…”

***

It been about an hour and a bit since Jen came over to collect Jeniece, Chris made me stay downstairs in his room to avoid any form of confrontation with her, not that I was gonna say anything to her if I saw her. I was done fighting with her I didn’t have time for it anymore. Chris did come back up talking about Jen was bitching about me being around her daughter because I was too ‘ghetto and violent’ which was just stupid, she made it seem like just because I whooped her ass I was gonna whoop her kids or something. Besides that, the whole day was nice I guess; the way Chris and Jeniece interacted with each other was cute as ever, she was like the little girl version of him. I must admit she had a cute little personality on her.

It was close to 1 in the morning now, and me and Chris where just chilling down in his room, we’d been talking for about half hour now, like proper talking this time, this had to be the first time in ages we both just laid everything out on the table,

“But seriously everything aside, I don’t wanna keep arguing with you, and fighting anymore. It’s tiring and honestly it’s draining me out, I hate it” I explained to him, Chris licked his lips then leant his head down to my level, resting his forehead on top of mines,

“Me too” he mumbled, smiling causing me to instantly smile back at him, “For real though, I don’t like it when we mad at each other either, but you gotta stop wilding out and blowing shit out of proportion Jhene, on some real shit” he said

“Ok” I nodded, “And you gotta stop doing dumb stuff and lying even if you’re lying to ‘protect’ me as you say just stop lying” Chris laughed a little then licked his lips again

“I got you”

“No, do you promise, like seriously this time? Don’t say it if you don’t mean”

“I promise” he nodded, leaning in and kissing me, his kiss causing me to go all giddy inside, this was funny enough the first time we’d kissed or had any sort of interaction like this in weeks, I let his soft lips tangle with mine, as his arms wrapped strongly around my waist. Protectively pulling my body closer to his, my hands slowly finding their way up to his curls. My mind lost for a moment in the arms of my baby again.

We layed under the covers in his bed kissing for about 5 more minutes until eventually his yawning pulled us away and I rested my head comfortably in his chest. “I love you” he muttered, kissing the top of my head

“I love you too babe”

“Good, now I’m finna fall asleep because I’m tired as hell” Chris mumbled, pulling me slightly further into him and yawning again

“NO! Don’t go sleep yet” I yelled

“Why not?” he muttered,

“Because, I still need to tell you something and I don’t know how your gonna take it…” I trailed off

“What’s up?” he mumbled sleepily,

“You sure your listening?” I asked

“Mhmm” he sounded

After a few moments of staying silence, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before just letting it out; there was no point in holding shit in any longer

“I’m pregnant”

I felt Chris arm around my waist go limp, once again the room stayed silent, Chris not saying a word. I thought to myself maybe give him time to process what I’d just said before leaning up to face him, I mean it wasn’t something light. After a few moments of complete silence still; I called his name again “Chris?” I slowly pulled my body out of his embrace leaning up to face him. And sighed heavily at him, light snores escaped from his slightly a jarred mouth. He had completely passed out whilst I was talking to him

“Chris!” I nudged him to wake up

“Hmm?” he sounded still not opening his eyes.

“Chris did you hear what I said?”

“Mmhmm, yeah” he mumbled, nodding his head

“What did I say?” I asked, he mumbled something incoherently “Chris what did I say?” I asked tapping his face; he quickly swatted my hand from his face and smacked his teeth

“Stop, go to sleep Jhene man fuck” he mumbled annoyed tutting before turning his back towards me before falling straight back into his sleep.

That’s what I always hated about him, whenever he was tired he never wanted to listen to anything, and he always went to straight to sleep and fast as hell. One minute you could be talking to him, the next he would be snoring his head off with no fucking warning.

 I smacked my teeth loudly then pushed him forward calling him again, hoping to wake him up but, it was no help that was it. He was already sleeping. And that truly was it, I knew he was about to be passed out for the rest of the night now, and if I tried to wake him up again he was gonna be miserable as hell, like he always was whenever he was woken up out of his sleep.

 I threw my head back hard on the pillow and let out a loud groan

“Fuck!”

When was this shit ever gonna just be over. 

Jhene:

Today was the day of my first scan; I sat tapping my fingers nervously along the side of the chair, waiting for the nurse to call me, in. My appointment was scheduled for 11:15 but I was so nervous and anxious at the same time, I’d gotten her a whole 30 minutes early.

I kept looking around the room at all the pregnant women who sat awaiting their appointments, some with their loved ones, others alone. I had to have been the youngest in here out of the lot; they all looked at least mid twenties and above.

“Jhene, calm down everything’s gonna be ok” Tiki said, trying to calm me down,

“My bad” I said placing my hands in my lap but still eagerly looking around. I was anxious as hell, I didn’t wanna see it, but at the same time I couldn’t wait either.

“Did you try calling Chris again?” she asked eagerly

“I told you, I called him earlier he didn’t answer any of his phones” I shrugged, that was the truth, I’d been calling Chris all morning since I woke up to let him know, but not once did he answer his phone so there wasn’t much more I could do right now.

“Maybe you should try once mo-”

Just then a small white lady in a blue nurse Uniform came out of the room that all the women previously had gone into, coming out rather happy with them selves

“Is there a Miss Jean Carter?” she asked cutting Tikira off and looking down at her notes, I rolled my eyes and stood up,

“Hi, It’s Juh-nay” I smiled whilst correcting her,

“Oh I’m ever so sorry!” she apologised slightly embarrassed,

“It’s cool” I replied,

“Would you like to come this way Jhene” she smiled leading her way back into the room, Tiki stood up and chuckled

“Jean Carter” she mocked whilst following me, I chuckled a little with her and shook my head,

“They always do it” I mumbled making my way into the room, followed my Tikira.

When I got in the room, there was a scanning bed placed in the back but the middle of the room, next to it stood the scanning machine and equipment, I looked back at Tikira nervously and she flashed me a reassuring smile before I turned my head and walked further in, sitting down at the desk she was sat at.

“Ok Miss Carter, Hi my name is Nurse Josie James and I’m a Labour and delivery nurse here at   Centinela Hospital Medical Centre and I’m going to be assisting you with your scan today” she smiled reaching out my hand to shake it, I shook it back then smiled at her,

“Now is this your first baby?” she asked,

“Yeah” I mumbled shaking my head

“Ok, now according to your file this is your first scan right?” she said looking up from the file of papers she had on her desk, I nodded my head, and she smiled

“Ok well let’s get you propped up on the bed so we can take a look to check that everything is ok with the baby” she said getting up from her seat and leading us to the table, “Just prop yourself up on here Miss Carter and lift your shirt whilst I get everything ready” she smiled, walking away.

I did what she said and laid back nervously on the table, I looked over at Tiki and she smiled

“You nervous?” she asked

“Hell fucking yeah, look at my hands” I said reaching out for her to see my hands that where shaking.

“Damn, Just relax it will soon before over” she reassured grabbing hold of my hand and holding it, The nurse soon came back over with everything set up and a tube of jelly like substance,

“So this is you two’s first child together?” she asked, Me and Tiki looked at each other and burst out laughing

“No, No, No we are not together!” I laughed shaking my head, the nurse held a very apologetic look on her face again,

“Oh I’m ever so sorry, I just assumed since you were together that…” she trailed of embarrassed

 “Yeah it’s ok, she’s just my best friend, the baby’s father couldn’t be here” I shrugged

“Oh, well I do apologise again Miss Carter” she smiled, “Ok I’m just, going to put this goo type substance on your stomach It will remain on your belly throughout the ultrasound., so it may feel a little cold at first.” she told, I nodded my head at her, then tensed when the cold substance hit my stomach, then she placed the monitoring thing on my stomach moving it around as she checked for the baby,

“Ok, I’m just checking for the baby’s best side, so I won’t be a moment” she reassured, I kept my head upwards staring at the ceiling, gripping Tiki’ hand tighter, after a moment, she spoke again

“Ok here we go Miss Carter, perfect” she said whilst keeping her eyes on the screen, I could see Tiki lean up and her eyes got wide, but I kept mines on the ceiling above “Ok, so the baby is’ quite high up in the uterus and in breach” she explained, Tiki gasped a little,

“That’s a bad thing right?” she asked,

“Nope, not at all, the baby still has plenty of time to get into the right position” the Nurse reassured “Now that’s babies head, and you see that pulsating blob, that’s the babies heart, a good strong heartbeat” she went on to say

“Oh my god, Jhene look!” Tiki said hitting my arm, I sighed and then slowly lifted my head and looked over at the monitor screen. I gasped and my hands immediately found my mouth as I looked intensely at the screen in front of me. 

“Oh my god, it’s like real…” I said stupidly, causing Tiki and the Nurse to laugh a little

“Yo Jhene, that’s your baby! Aint that some shit!” Tiki laughed, I looked over at her and smiled, then looked back at the screen studying the baby even though it was kind of blurry you could definitely make out where everything was like it’s head and that, it actually looked like a person in a weird way, which wasn’t what I’d expected, I thought it was just gonna be some spot on the screen that you could hardly see.

“Nurse, isn’t it a little on the big side to be just going on 11 weeks” I asked scrunching my face slightly.

“11weeks? No hunny according to this, your 14-15 weeks” she smiled.

“Huh? What?” I asked snapping my head at her,

“Yeah, your 15 weeks my dear…”

“No no, but when I found out the doctor said I was only 8 ½ weeks, that was only like 3 weeks ago” I explained

“I’m sorry Miss Carter but sometimes, they get the dates slightly wrong, but I can assure you this is a solid 15 week old baby” she reassured,

 “So how comes I aint really showing physically to be 15 weeks?” I asked,

Looking at the screen, the baby looked big to be only 11 weeks, but relevantly small to be 15,

“Sometimes it takes women a little longer to show than others, especially if this is your first baby. And from what I can see your quite small in build so it could take up to 20-23 weeks before you start fully showing” she explained,

I nodded my head in understanding and laid back on the cushion. “So that gives me 8 more weeks until Chris finds out” I mumbled, Tiki threw me a look making me giggle, “I’m just joking Chill!”

 “But other than that, the baby is at a good size” she said.  “Ok so everything so far is fine, I’m going to print you off a couple photo’s and if you want, you can buy a DVD at reception” she explained, removing the monitor thing of my stomach and handing me and paper towels so that I could wipe the goo of my stomach.

“Thank you” I smiled, sitting up and pulling back down my shirt as she walked out the room to print of the pictures

***

 “Yo, this shit aint real!” Tiki squealed as she stared down at the scan pictures, I swear she was more excited than me. “Like in a couple months time Jhene, you gonna have a liddle light skinned, freckle faced baby!”

“Okay Tikira” I laughed starting up the car, we had just left the hospital and were on our way back to my house. It was going up to 2 in the afternoon, I hadn’t realised how long we’d been at the hospital for.

“Aww, I hope you have a boy yo! That’s gonna be my lil nigga! Imma teach that little nigga all the shit” she laughed,

“And I thought you didn’t like kids?” I questioned glancing over at her,

“No correction. I don’t like ugly kids. But you and Chris baby aint gonna be ugly so you good!”

I cracked up laughing whilst trying to keep my eyes on the road.

“You’re going straight to the burning pits of hell yo!” I laughed.

“Yep and you coming with me bitch, you know ugly ass kids are the worst!”

“Man Tiki Shut up!” I giggled.

“Sooo….on some real shit, now that you’ve seen it, and you know the baby is healthy and all that shit when you gonna let yo nigga know you carrying his bigheaded ass baby?” she asked, I sighed and smacked my teeth.

“Iono, probably later on if he calls me back or if not tomorrow I guess” I mumbled,

“Look, I think you really should. You know just get it over and done with. Once he knows the hard bit will be over, and all you’ll have to worry about is telling yo dad” she said

To be honest, telling Chris had been on my mind so hard, I’d forgotten the fact that I hadn’t told my dad yet. But I would cross that bridge when I came to it. I knew telling him everything would be blown out of control because that was the last thing any father would want to here, his 18 year old daughter is pregnant by a guy who’d hadn’t even been her boyfriend for that long and hadn’t even finished high school yet. I could hear the lecture already,

How was I gonna cope?

What about college?

How would I provide for the child?

Whose gonna look after it?

All of them questions, questions I had been asking myself over and over again. I knew my dad was gonna blow the water because he thought bringing me out here to LA was a better decision for me seeing as I was always in trouble with Tiki back in NY but evidentially moving me out here was a worst decision.

“Yeah, I guess you right, ill just tell him tomorrow. I mean what’s the worst that can happen?”

“Exactly now you thinking straight” she laughed.

“Mhmm, I guess so.”

Chris:

A Couple weeks later:

“Chris have you spoken to Jhene recently?” Mama asked as I laid Lil Mama sleeping down on my bed, that was my nickname for her because I despised the name Jeniece, it was stupid and just ghetto as hell, I guess Jen thought it was a cute idea to try and mix Jen and Maurice together but it weren’t and Plus baby girl had a little attitude on her already so the name Lil mama fitted her perfectly. And if it wasn’t Lil Mama it was Niecey that’s what Jen and her fam called her, but I refused to call her Jeniece. Refused

Today Jen had dropped her off at my house something about she needed to work then had a hospital appointment to attend or some shit. Either way I didn’t mind, I loved spending time with my daughter and although I’d only been in her life for a couple weeks now, the bond me and her had built over these past couple weeks had almost become unbreakable it’s funny because at first she didn’t take well to me, for obvious reasons even though Jen had told her who I was before we’d met, to her I was still a complete stranger.

Ever since I got the paternity test back letting me know she was mine after my mom begged me to get one done before I started claiming her, I’d spent practically every day over Jens house to be with her, Jens dad hated it he was still against the idea of me and Lil Mama being in contact with each other which was stupid if you ask me, but who gives a fuck what he thought, at the end of the day that’s my child and wither he or anyone else liked it, I was gonna be in her life regardless. Besides the times I wasn’t at Jens parents house; Niecey was with me at mine. I had already missed 2 years out of her life; I didn’t need to miss anymore.

Between me and Jen it was strictly about Lil Mama, nothing else I didn’t even talk to her when I was at her crib unless it was something to do with the wellbeing of my kid. I had this strong hate for Jen ever since I found out, for 2 years she kept my kid away from me; I had no respect for her, I don’t care if her dad was ashamed or whatever the fuck she claimed was the reason for it, as far as I was concerned any woman who could keep a man away from its child or a child away from their parent for so long is a bitch in my eyes. I wasn’t interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with her again, not after this and on top she’d managed to fuck up what me and Jhene once had. Me and Jen was never gonna happen again, not in this lifetime.  I know deep down she thought that me finding out she had my baby meant I might get back with her, but to me that was it. She was just the mother of my kid, that’s that nothing more nothing less. 

“Nah I haven’t spoken to her” I mumbled to my mom after pulling the covers over Niecey and plopping down on my couch starting up the game.

Me and Jhene hadn’t spoken at all since that night back when I told her about Niecey. There was nothing to talk about. In my opinion she overreacted as she normally does and I was sick of it, yeah I understand she was upset and I hurt her, but like I said she was acting like I was fucking Jen when I was with her and got her pregnant or as if I knew about Niecey and never told her or some shit.

Yeah I felt bad for telling her I hated her because that shit weren’t true. I loved Jhene besides my daughter and my mom she was my everything but I still weren’t finna apologize. Weren’t shit I needed to apologize for, I’d done my best to try and make amends with her before all this.

I’d apologized over and over again. If she dint wanna make shit work there wasn’t anything else I could do, but all I know is I tried, besides if anyone ought to apologize it should be her for hitting me in my face like that again. She lucky I didn’t hit her back that night with the rage that was going through me. I know if it was anyone else it would have been lights out for them but once again with Jhene I held my composure just like I always do when it comes to her. 

I won’t front though; I missed the hell out of her. I missed not talking to her or being around her like that anymore, but if we were meant to be it would be but I weren’t chasing her anymore, I was done with that shit.

I’d spoken to Kyra the other day and she’d told me how Jhene was looking for colleges back in New York again because she no longer wanted to be here after the school year was out she apparently was gonna move back to Brooklyn or wherever. I knew deep down I was the reason she was considering that again but to be honest I didn’t know what I could do to change her opinion Jhene was stubborn as hell and once she set her mind on something that was it, she was doing it regardless, I knew she wasn’t gonna reach out to and me neither was I. Niecey was already here and there was nothing I could do about it. And I wasn’t about to turn my back on my daughter not now that I’d built such a strong bond with her.

“Chris maybe you should just give her a call, you know see how she’s doing.” Mama said to me whilst sitting on the couch next to me. 

“Ma, why do you care so much? Me and Jhene are over that’s it.” I mumbled focusing my attention on the game I was playing.

It never made sense to me as to why my mom was so persistent on me calling or talking to Jhene. I mean I know she really liked her but every day without fail she would ask me if I’d spoken to her or seen her and it was starting to irritate me. She had never been like this when I’d broken up with any of my other girls. So what was so special about Jhene? 

“I care Chris because I know as much as you’re hurting right now Jhene is hurting 100 times more and believe me baby when I say, she NEEDS you more than she ever has before.” 

I scrunched my face up looking over at her, what the he’ll does she mean Jhene NEEDS me? If Jhene needed me so bad she would have called or reached out to me somehow. And judging by how Jhene was towards me whenever we did actually see each other if all of us were hanging out it didn’t look like she needed me that bad. 

“What do you mean she NEEDS me Ma? If Jhene needed me she would have called me”

“Just please call her Chris.” and with that she got up and left my room leaving me to wonder in my own thoughts. I picked up my phone and scrolled down to her number contemplating wither I should call her or not, but decided against it, like I said I was done with chasing Jhene around all the time, if she really needed me as bad as mama said, she would call me. Simple but until then I wasn’t calling her.

Jhene:

I stood in front of my mirror in just my bra and dance shorts looking down at my stomach I was still only a few weeks but you could see a little pudge starting to  form in the lower part of my stomach, well other people couldn’t notice unless they really looked but I could. Sooner or later I would be fully showing and I’d yet to tell my dad or better yet Chris. But for right now, I could cover it up. I’d done a pretty good job at covering it up too if you ask me, because people still hadn’t suspected anything.

Me and Chris still hadn’t spoken since that night back at his house when he had told me about his daughter. To be honest I was never exactly ‘angry’ in the first place, I was just confused and upset and as I’ve been for these past couple weeks just all in my emotions. I didn’t know how to take what he told me that day that’s why I reacted like that. I know it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know about the little girl it was that bitch Jens fault for keeping her from him for so long. But in the heat of the moment people do and say things they don’t mean. And that’s what happened, I didn’t mean to tell him I hated him or hit him yeah I was wrong for that. But everything else I said that night I meant. I do still wish I never fell in love with him. Because if I wasn’t so stupid in love with him. I wouldn’t be in this situation right now. 

At this point I was just fed up of holding in this secret from him, but because we hadn’t spoken for so long, it made it even harder to tell him. I didn’t know HOW to tell him that was my problem. A part of me just wished he would somehow find out without me telling him at all, but I knew that wasn’t about to happen.

Adding to the stress, these damn pregnancy emotions that I was going through was fucking up my head and everyone around me too, like one minute I would be happy as hell then in like 2.5 seconds my mood would drop and I’d just be pissed at the world.

Sometime I wanted nothing more than to call Chris and cry to him, there were times when I had to literally fight myself not to call him, because I did miss him, kind of, at times a part of me wished things were different and I never broke things off with him because besides all this bullshit that’s come out recently, for the longest time he was like the best thing that happened to me. I just wished we could go back to the old times when it was just about me and him, when I was his Nala and he was my Simba, back to how we were when we first got together, but with the ways things had turned so sour between us and so quickly too, I don’t think we would ever be like that again.

However, Mama J called me near enough everyday or whenever she could, just to check on how I was doing and if I was ok or needed anything. Ever since I told her I was pregnant that day she was definitely a lot of help and someone I could talk to about it other than Tikira and even though me and Chris weren’t on speaking terms Mama never let that effect our relationship. However she did beg me to tell him every time we spoke because she felt that this was something that needed to come from me and me only, she said although she’s his mother it  wasn’t her place to let him know something as big as this was but each time she asked I would promise her but loose the courage to tell him whenever I actually saw him. 

***
I pulled back on my top and sat down on my bed. Tomorrow I was going for my first scan since I found out, I was meant to go for a scan a few weeks ago but freaked out and didn’t turn up, I don’t know a part of me still didn’t wanna except it, and I knew me going and seeing the baby on the screen would make this all real and that was what I didn’t wanna except, the reality of it. And plus I really wanted Chris to be there when I went for my first scan so I guess that was another reason why I put it off but it was something that needed to be done, so wither I liked it or not, I was going. 

“Yo Shad is SO adorable!” Tiki gushed walking into my room, I quickly turned around and rolled my eyes at her, she and Bow had been talking ever since they exchanged numbers at the mall that day and I swear she was walking around like the happiest bitch in the world. I don’t think I had ever seen Tiki smile so much in my damn life.

“Shad?! This nigga got you calling him by his first name already?” I laughed

“Yeah, that’s because I got it like that!”

“SPRUNGGGGG” I teased as I picked up my phone from the charger. Tiki looked up at me raised eyebrow from her phone,

“Bitch Please, Tikira Renee Taylor does NOT get sprung bitch! I get nigga’s sprung! You better recognize” she replied cockily

“Yeah, sure. That’s why ‘SHAD’ got your ass smiling wider than the fucking joker!”

“Shut up” she laughed rolling her eyes and sitting down next to me “He is cute though, you gotta admit!”

“Pshh, I aint gotta admit shit” I laughed

“HATER ALERT! RING THA MOTHERFUCKING ALARM!” Tiki yelled,

“Girl please aint nobody hating!” I chuckled,

“He’s cuter than Chris Electric Yellow self, so shut up!”

“Electric yellow Tikira?! Shut the hell up” I laughed at her,

“Yeah, saw your boy yesterday” Tiki said smiling,

“Who’s that?” I asked flipping the channel on the TV

“Chrissy Boy fool” she laughed, “Me and Bow saw him” she explained

“Oh, Really”

“Bitch, don’t act like you don’t care!” she laughed

“I don’t” I shrugged,

“Yeah whatever, let’s just say he knows who I am now!”

“Oh lord, why what did you do?” I asked turning to face her.

“Nun, I just made my presence known! He knows I’m Tiki now hoe” I sighed and shook my head,

“You’re a mess bruh” I mumbled,

“He was with his kid too” she said, I frowned a little and turned my face to her,

“For real?”

“Yup, and to be honest, I don’t know what his other baby mama look like but, he couldn’t even try and not claim that kid yo, she looks like his twin or some shit, I can’t even front, she mad cute!” she chuckled

“Is that so” I shrugged laying back down,

“Yep! But all shit aside, when are you gonna let him know Jhene? It’s been how many weeks and you still aint said…” Tiki pressed on

“I know damn, I’ll tell him when I’m ready.” 

“But when is that? When you’re waters break and you’re in fucking labour cos these big ass clothes you wearing nshit aint gonna cut it for too much longer! Your belly is growing wither you like it or not!” 

“Tikira!” I said looking at her sternly. 

“Fine! I’ll drop it, but just know the longer you hide it, the worst it’s gonna be” and with that she got up and left out the room again. 

Everybody telling me that I needed to tell him was just annoying me. Obviously I knew I had to tell him sooner or later. But what they needed to realize is I needed to tell him in my own time when I was ready. And right now wither they liked it or not, I wasn’t ready and that was that. 

Jhene:

“So, I got something to tell you Tiki” I said walking over to my bed and sitting down with a sigh.

Tiki had arrived here last night after my dad picked her up from the airport, I was so happy to have my best friend over here now, the plan was for her to stay for a month and then go back to NY for the New Year, which I was over the moon about, with Tiki being here already she had taken my mind of all the stress that was weighing on me.

From the moment she got here I knew she could sense something was off about me, she even mentioned my weight gain as soon as she saw me but joked it off as I was getting some ‘good dick’ as she put it as too why I had put on so much weight since the last time she saw me, of course I didn’t tell her the real reason so I just allowed her to think what she wanted to. But unlike others, I wasn’t going to hide anything from Tiki, we had been best friends since we were 7 years old, she was the one person in this world who I could tell absolutely anything. I’m talking anything and she would ride for me. I know it sounds cliché but she was the true definition of a ride or die.

“Oh lord what’s good? Whose child’s ass do we have to whoop now, because I’m ready son!” she joked pulling her hair up into a loose ponytail

“This aint nothing to joke about Tikira I’m serious!” I said sternly. Tiki looked up at me for a minute and saw I was being serious and immediately got serious too, putting out the joint she was smoking and standing up from the bean bag she was sat on and walking over to sit at the  end of my bed where I was laying.

“Tikira? Damn you really are serious aint you, what’s wrong?” she asked me

“Ahh, Erm …” I let out nervously biting on my nails

“Ahhh erm what?! You’re scaring me Jhene!”

“You gotta promise me you aint gonna say anything first!” I warned,

“You already know Jhene, what’s up?” she pressed on.

“I’m, Im kind of Erm, I’m pregnant.” I let out; the room fell silent as Tiki stared at me in utter shock. Her mouth hung open and she opened her high ass eyes as wide as they could possibly go, which wasn’t very wide. Even during this moment I had to fight the urge of not laughing at Tiki’s face.

“Tiki?” I called. Silence

“Tikira, can you please say something!” I begged

“Tikira please talk! You’re never silent, ever! Please the silence is killing me talk!”  I ranted on

 Tiki took her hand a practically slapped it across my mouth holding it there “Stop rambling Jhene” she said, I nodded my head slowly and she removed her hand “How far along are you?” she asked

“I’m not sure I think I’m like 10 weeks now” I shrugged

“Fuckkkk no” she whispered diverting her attention to my growing stomach, “Fuck Jhene…”

“I know, but you’re the only person who knows other than Mama J and Marlon so you can’t say a word, to ANYBODY!” I warned

“W-wait who the FUCK is Marlon?! It aint Chris’ baby!” she yelled a little too loudly.

“TIKIRA! Lower your voice!” I gritted out getting up from the bed and shutting my bedroom door fully,

“My bad” she said covering her mouth. “So it’s this Marlon dudes baby it aint Chris’ baby?” she asked.

“No it isn’t! I mean yes it is! What?” I yelled confused.

“Whose baby is it?” she asked

“Chris! What the hell Tikira, of course it’s Chris’ baby!”

“So who the hell is Marlon?”

“Oh my god, Marlon is a FRIEND, he was the one who took me to the hospital and when the Dr told me he was the one with me” I explain

“Ohhhhhh” she nodded in understanding, “Damn I thought you were fucking around on Chris, I was gonna say you in some shit now!”

“Hell nah Tiki, I am not a hoe!”

Tiki laughed lightly and shook her head, “So you 100% sure your pregnant?” She asked,

“Well that’s what the doctor said…”

“Jhene don’t you know sometimes they be getting shit wrong?! I say you take a pregnancy test, just to be sure yo before you start throwing your life away” she said, I huffed and frowned looking down,

“Man everything’s so fucked up right now!” I cried, throwing my head in my hands, “everything’s fucked! You know I aint with Chris anymore…” 

“WHAT? What the fuck? Why not!” she asked with wide eyes, I smacked my teeth and shook my head

“Long ass story, I’ll tell you later” I mumbled

“Aight, well look, let’s just go to Walgreens now pick up a couple test’s then take shit from there ite” she said rubbing my back, I sat up and smiled a little before getting up and to put on my coat nshit,

“Aight” I mumbled.

***

1hour later 3 pregnancy test tubes sat in front of me and Tiki, all reading the same shit, the little plus sign, the two lines, and the words pregnant was never clearer on all 3. There was no doubt that I was indeed very much pregnant.

“Damn…” Tiki mumbled as we both looked up at each other,

“My life is officially fucked.” I said leaning on the sink, there was no use me crying anymore because it wasn’t gonna change anything. I was pregnant that was the end.

“What you gonna do?” Tiki asked,

“Iono, kill myself” I shrugged; Tiki laughed a nervous laugh before frowning.

“You know you gotta tell Chris right…” she trailed off. I rolled my eyes shut as one single tear rolled down my face. I didn’t wanna have to tell Chris anything, things weren’t good between us right now not at all, after the other day we hadn’t spoken to each other at all, neither one of us tried to reach out to the other, it was indeed over between us so that meant me telling him this could go either 2 ways, he could completely flip out or he would be somewhat happy which I doubted because not even I was happy about this, so I had no clue how I was gonna tell him.

“I know” I mumbled. “I know…but get this” I said leaning up off the sink and walking over to the toilet and sitting on the lid, “So the other day right, I went to his house to tell him….”

I went on to explain to Tiki the situation with Jen and this child she was claiming was Chris’ and judging by Tiki’s reaction she was just as shocked as I was,

“What the fuuuuuuck?!” she yelled in astonishment, “Is she for real?” she asked I nodded my head and sighed looking down “Whaaaaaat? Y’all got some different type drama over here on this coast” I look up at her and laugh a little, “Hell nah, damn. Fuck no! So is it really his?”

“Well iono, I aint spoken to him since to find out. I don’t really wanna know to be honest, but my thing is how am I now supposed to tell him that I’m carrying his baby when he just found out he’s possibly the father of a TWO year old kid!”

“Dang Jhene! Why out of all the sexy ass nigga’s in LA you had to go find one with hella baggage nshit!

I chuckled and shook my head,

“I know right, aint that some shit…”

“And yo daddy thought Alex was a problem, shitttt!” she laughed, “This Chris nigga on some next shit! Nigga done got his precious princess pregnant” she shook her head.

“Ite T! Drop this topic now…”

“Ite my bad!” she shrugged looking around; I could tell by her face her mind was ticking a mile a minute. “Look let’s go out please, like I know you got a lot on your mind but It’s no use you staying cooped up in the hot ass house, like bitch you STILL need to show me where all the sexy ass LA nigga’s stay at!” she joked,

“Ite boo you right, I got you let’s bounce! Go find you a nice little Cali boy for you to play with” I laughed walking out the bathroom, not before clearing the pregnancy tests and throwing them in the trash can.

“YES THAT’S WHAT A NIGGA IS SAYINGGGG!” Tiki yelled skipping out the bathroom.

***

We were walking in the shopping mall for about an hour, it was hot as hell outside today so the air conditioning in the mall, felt good against our skin as we sipped on these Slush drinks. We’d only been in the mall for an hour and already I’d spent way too much money, buying shit I didn’t even need.

“No seriously I’ve spent too much already!” I said looking down at my bags

“Please you know your daddy just gonna give you mor-” Just then Tiki’s phone start playing  and she screams out “Ooh, my babyyyy!” she takes her phone out of her jacket pocket and puts it up to her ear. “Helloooooo? Hiiii-” I frown and look at her happy ass

“The fuck is you so happy about?!” I laugh

“This is my baby” she says looking at me before focusing back on her conversation. I shake my head and continue walking trying to drown out her happy self giggling and shit like a fool into the phone. “Yeah, ok…call me later then…aight….aight…bye” She hangs up her phone and looks over at me,

“I feel so bad when I think about it but I’m starting to get sick of this relationship thing. Sometimes you just wanna fuck with no strings attached!” she said randomly putting her phone in her pocket, I look over at her and start cracking up laughing at her serious as face,

“Tikira! You a hoe!” I joke

“Nu Uh, I mean shit, I don’t wanna be tied down to no nigga yet, I am too young and too pretty for that shit!” she says flipping her hair

“CONCEITED! Gone head girl flip that weave again!” I laugh; Tiki looks at me and flips her hair again

“Don’t hate bitch. Don’t hate!” she laughs, “I had to come out her looking like you Cali bitches, you aint see my 40 inch weave?!”

“Oh My God, Shut up Tikira!” i giggled

“No but seriously though, do you feel me? Your telling me sometimes you don’t wanna just fuck a nigga with no complications after?” she asks scrunching her face at me like I’m the crazy one

“No Tiki, that’s called hoe tendencies!”

“Well shit then, I’m a fucking hoe!” she jokes.

Just then I hear someone scream my name from the other side of the mall, I turn my head in the direction and see Ty and Bow walking out of the Supreme store holding a couple bags, Ty grins at me and waves for me to come over to him, I pull Tiki’s hand and slowly walk across

“Who are they?” Tiki asks lowly as we make our way over

“Ok so the skinny one is Ty, and the one with the big head is Bow” I laugh “They Chris’ best friends” I explain

“Oooh, that Bow nigga is kind of cute though!” she laughs, I look at her and scrunch my face

“With his big ass head?” I laugh

“Shitttt, a big ass head mean he got a big ass something else” she jokes, I burst out laughing as we come closer to approaching them, Ty looks over at Tiki and nudges Bow and says something to him, Bow looks up at her and smiles nodding his head, I frown as we approach them

“What’s good JJ!” Ty yells pulling me into a hug,

“What’s up Boo, What up Bow?” I ask looking over at him, he takes his eyes of Tiki who is standing there looking in her phone, and nods at me

“What’s good Nae” he mumbles,

“So Jhene, who’s your friend? Aint you gonna introduce nigga’s” Ty asks looking over at Bow who’s smirking, I look at both of them

“Stop it!” I warn them both and they both start laughing, “Anyway! This is my best friend from back home Tikira, Tikira this is Ty and that is Bow” I say pointing at them both. Tiki looks up from her phone and smiles.

“Yo” she says to the both of them before looking back in her phone, this was classic Tiki she always plays like she don’t care when first meeting nigga’s she likes or thinks are cute.

“What’s good, Y’all two look alike” Ty smiles, me and Tiki both look at each other and shake our heads,

“No we don’t” we say in unison, then start laughing,

“Ah hell nah, y’all do that stupid best friend shit!”

“Shut up Ty!” I say rolling my eyes,

“Anyway, so how you doing Tikira?” Bow asks smirking, I look at him and he flashes me a smile before focusing back on Tiki,

“I’m good” Tiki says looking up from her phone,

“You like it out here?” he asks striking up conversation, Ty laughs and I slap his shoulder,

“I haven’t seen much, so I guess” Tiki shrugs,

“That’s what’s up, so how long you gonna be here for?” he asks, Tiki looks up at me and gives me a certain look before smirking slightly and focusing back on her phone

“Damn Bow fuck!” I yell and me and Ty start laughing, just watching the both of them

“Shut up Jhene” Bow laughs then walks over to Tiki “Ay let me holla at you for a minute” Tiki nods her head and they both turn around and walk over to the water fountain in the middle of the mall and stand there,

“My NIGGAAAAAAAA!” Ty yells and starts bubbling; I push him and laugh,

“You fool! You knew he was gonna do that aint you” Ty laughs and holds up his hand 

“I knew nothing!” he lies, smiling goofily,

“Yeah right, as long as he don’t do any stupid shit, we good! Tiki will rock a nigga” Ty laughs and shakes his head as we start talking about random shit.

After a few moments later Tiki and Bow both make their way back over to us and Tiki winks at me,

“Oh lord!” I mumble

“Aight so Ty we out?” Bow says looking at Ty and smirking

“Yeah, Yeah nigga. Ay y’all should drop by my crib later on” Ty say’s “everybody gonna be chilling there nshit” he smiles at me

“Erm you two aint even slick though, that’s the problem!” I yell baiting up their little plan; Tikira laughs and shakes her head,

“Man get outta her Jhene we just gonna be chilling and shit, smoke a lil summing drink a lil summing, listen to some music! You down aint you Tikira?” he asks looking at her

Tiki looks up and smiles, “Hell yeah, if we smoking on some good shit a bitch is down “she says.

“You already know! So that’s the plan then! Jhene don’t be a blocker, please and thank you” Ty laughs, I flip him the bird and roll my eyes, “Ite we out then, come on nigga” Ty says chucking the deuces and walking off

“Ite, Ay Tikira imma holla at you later” Bow smiles, Tiki nods head and he looks over at me smirking, “Peace Nae” he chuckles running off to catch up with Ty

I look over at Tiki and she looks at me and smirks,

“I don’t care, that nigga is FIONE! You see those eyes? Shittt LORD TAKE ME NOWWWW I done found a Cali boyyyyyy!!” she laughs, causing me to laugh with her,

“What did he say to you?” I ask turning the opposite way and walking with her,

“He just asked me for my number and shit” she says

“Did you give it?” Tiki looks at me with a face

“Nigga, I’m here for a wholeeee MONTH! A bitch needs to get hers too yo!” she laughs

“TIKIRA DON’T BE DOING NO TRIFILING SHIT!” I yell at her,

“Bitch Hell NO! I aint gonna fuck him! Shit, that don’t mean a bitch can’t have fun!” she shrugs

“Whatever yo, just don’t be doing anything nasty!”

“I won’t” she laughs, “Believe me I WONT!” 

Jhene:

“Aight so I went over to Jens today…” he started,

As soon as I heard those words I didn’t wanna know, I couldn’t take anymore of his dumb antics, I frowned my face and sighed heavily holding my head in my hands already knowing he’d probably done something stupid and now is feeling guilty about it. Just more fuel to add to the burning fire.

“I don’t wanna know Chris…” I mumbled already defeated, Chris pulled my hands down away from my face for me to look at him

“No listen to me, listen I went over to Jens to try and persuade her parents not to press charges on you for beating her ass.” Chris explained I looked up at him and raised my eyebrows, 

“Mmhmm well, what did they say?”

“Hold on baby let me just finish aight” I nodded my head and sighed a little

 “So I go over there now and it was just her mom in the house by herself so I figured I could talk to her on my own, and persuade her cause she always liked me when me and Jen were together unlike Jens father…”

“…So I persuaded her and she said she will talk to Jen and ask her to drop the charges after I explained the whole story of you two and I told her how Jen tried to choke you out before hand and just lied and said there were witnesses who witnessed her choking you, obviously with that knowledge you could have said you beating her up was self defence or something you feel me?”

I nodded my head in understanding as he continued,

“Well anyway whilst were talking…”

He stops for a minute again and looks down frowning hard at something, it was like I could see thoughts racing in his head, he was staring hard at the floor as if he was trying to look through it, his temples throbbing in his head, as he simultaneously clenched his jaw.

“Chris what is it?” I asked placing my hand back on the back of his neck. He huffs and shakes his head, in disbelief

“So we in the kitchen talking, Jens mom is telling me how she was gonna try and convince her husband more so not to try and charge you, then a little girl around 2 or 3 runs into the room and looks at me and then hides behind Jenny’s moms leg so I’m standing there thinking I didn’t know they were still having kids and shit aint they a little too old to have such a young kid. Well anyway, Jens mom leaned down to the little girl and pointed up to me asking her who I was, so the little girl stares at me for a minute before running back out the room, so I’m looking up at Jen’s mom confused like how would she know who I was anyway. I aint never seen this kid before so how would she have seen me to know who I was”

“So I asked her if the little girl was her daughter but she ignored me, couple moments later the kid came running back in the room with a little picture, looking at it, and then staring up at me. Then turns around to Jens mom smiling widely, passing her the picture by now I’m standing in the kitchen confused, thinking why do they have a picture of me nshit, like this shit is weird. Then the little girl was like to Jens mom, pointing at me ‘that’s my daddy’”

I gasped a little and felt my heart fall to my stomach literally. The room grows cold and dead silent, as both of us sit there trying to digest what he had just said.

 ”W-what?” I stuttered after a few seconds of silence, looking at him wide eyed, wondering if my ears was deceiving me or not.

“I know, so I’m flipping out now like to her mom what you mean daddy? That shit aint funny. Come to find out before Jen left she found out she was pregnant. So her dad made them move away for the sake of his reputation in the neighbourhood, he couldn’t have people knowing his precious 15year old daughter was pregnant by a no good ‘thug’ as he calls me. So they moved away to Seattle where nobody knew them, temporally for Jen to have the baby so that when they came back it looked like Jens mom had a baby while they were away instead of Jen” he sighed and kissed his teeth, “It’s fucked up if you ask me and then to make things worst…”

At this point I didn’t even wanna hear no more. How could I tell him I was pregnant with his baby after this? If I thought things where gonna be fucked up before, this just added to it.

I stood up from the couch in a daze, not saying a word and proceeded to walk down to his room to get my stuff. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t feel anything my body was cold, that numb feeling was back and whenever that feeling came back, shit was never good. I couldn’t even cry because my tears had dried out. I’d cried so much already that tears wouldn’t come; tears couldn’t explain how I was right now feeling anyway.

The person I was so stupid in love with, that’s what I was stupid in love, Was now a father to a child who wasn’t even mine but instead a girl who I hated the most in this world right now. How does someone even begin to deal with that? A father to a child with a girl who he still loved, how could I compete against that? Chris and Jen would forever have a connection through that little girl now and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, she was here already. No matter how many times I fight, scream, cry, she would always hold the torch of having his 1st born. Not me. I couldn’t do it. There was no point. She had already got what she wanted, she’d won wither I liked it or not.

“Jhene! Baby please wait!” Chris called out following closely behind me downstairs into his room. I kept silent whilst getting my stuff. 

“J please say something”

Silence.

“Jhene, talk to me!” Chris begged whilst trying to pull me into the hug I was fighting him off of. 

“Please get off me Chris, I wanna just go home” I pleaded while trying to push him off but he just held on tighter. 

“No please baby don’t go anywhere, I need you right now” he pleaded

He needs me, maybe so but not as much as I needed him right now,

“I can’t Chris, I can’t do it.” I said while breaking down on his chest “Arghhh! I hate you, I fucking hate you so much Chris!”

I didn’t hate him; I loved him but I hated this feeling of being in love with him, this feeling of not being able to control how I was feeling. I’d spent so many years building up all these defences, so that nothing could hurt me, then he waltz into my life, no different from any other stupid person and broke down every defence wall I’d built up with no trouble, I Hated that love had made me such a vulnerable mess. I hated that I loved him.

“Your just upset right now, you don’t mean that” he said pulling me in tighter

“No I do I swear I do! All you’ve done since I’ve met you is break my heart little by little, you made me fall so hard for you and you just continue to break my heart, I wish I never fell in love with you!” I cried into his chest breaking down even more causing Chris to hold me in even tighter. 

“Baby I’m sorry it’s not even my fault…”

“NO FUCK YOUR SORRY CHRIS! YOU’RE ALWAYS SORRY! Why’d you have to fuck her!” I screamed pushing him off of me and punching him hard across his face. I know that had to have hurt him cos it fucking hurt me! Which made me even angrier.  

He stood there for a moment holding his face as if he was trying to process in his brain what had just happened, in a near split second, the tension in the room grew instantly thick before he snapped,

“Are you fucking crazy Jhene?!” Chris roared slamming me hard into the wall the spit for his mouth hitting my face and his fist colliding hard with the wall just inches away from my face causing his knuckles to print deep into the wall “Have you lost your fucking mind! What the fuck have I told you about putting your fucking hands on me like that!” the rage in Chris’ eyes was something serious, something but it was something I’d seen before, I’m not gonna lie I was scared as hell but right now I didn’t care, I was hurting in the worst way possible, more than he could even begin to understand now, so even if he did hit me at least I would be feeling some sort of physical pain instead of emotional pain, I would take the physical side of pain any day over this type of pain I was in now.

“No fuck you Chris! I wish I never met you, I put that on my mother’s grave I wish I never met you, I hate you so much; you could never understand how much I hate you for what you’ve done to me. You’ve fucked my life in the worst way possible!” I yell back in his face, the tears in my eyes blurring my vision.

“What the fuck are you talking about?! You’re acting like I fucked Jen when I was with you and got her pregnant! I didn’t even know you fucking existed back then Jhene!!” Chris spat back at me. 

“Fuck you Chris. Fuck you, fuck everything. Like I said before you’ve messed up my life so much right now and I hate you for it. I hate you so much!”

“You fucking hate me? Well I hate you too then!” he spat back at me, nothing but venom filling his voice; I looked up at him for a minute nodding my head as he stared coldly back at me, no emotion in his face nothing.

“Well then if we both hate each other, we don’t need to be together anymore; it’s over Chris and for good this time. Were done” I said before pushing him off of me and walking out his room, back up the stairs and out of his house leaving him there dumbfounded.

I knew right now what I was saying to him about him messing up my life made no sense, but he would understand. In due time he would understand exactly what I meant.

He fucked up everything. 

Jhene:

Have you ever been broken? Not heartbroken but broken in general?  Your world just crashes to a halt and there’s nothing you can do about it but watch it burn in the flames created. Have you ever cried so much that your tears no longer had any meaning to them? They were just tears of tears of tears. You begin to lose any reason of living any longer, you start to envision what life would be like if you was gone. Dead. No longer breathing, nothing but a memory in people’s minds.

The world around me had literally collapsed and left me alone standing. At this point I felt like I had no one I could turn too, nobody. I was 18, pregnant and with a broken heart. Stress was something that was  becoming a permanent resident in my life.  I could feel myself slowly sinking into  a state of depression that I couldn’t fight off. I was torn apart.

I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, at times I even felt like I couldn’t  breathe. I just kind locked myself away from everyone. Blocking out the sounds of the outside world with depressing as music and shit.

Everything was wrong. I was pregnant with a baby I wasn’t even sure if I wanted. I never ever believed in abortions but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to cope with the stress of having a baby. If I couldn’t even manage to look after myself now, how was I gonna manage with a kid. So abortion was something I was seriously considering, I was soon going to be faced with an assault charge after smashing Jennifer’s face in, Chris had made me aware of that.

“Jenny’s people plan on pressing charges. They’re going to take you to court and there’s really nothing you can do about it but go. Her dad has been a police officer since she could walk so he got mad friends and people that will be on his side. That’s why I didn’t want you fighting her.

“Well It’s too late now” I shrugged off.  

“So that’s how you gone keep acting? Like fuck it, it’s over and done now? Jhene, he gone get you locked up over this shit. You broke her fucking nose!” Chris yelled at me, he was more upset over this than I was, as if he was the one facing Jail time.  I leaned back onto my legs and stared at him plainly

“Okay and she tried to kill me but you don’t see me running to my daddy” is what I replied with,

“Fuck. I can’t keep doing this Jhene, I cannot. I love you, you know I do, but I cannot keep trying to keep you out of trouble and keep my ass safe too. I can barely stay alive on my own, how am I gone keep up with the nigga’s that’s after me and watch after you too? I already know her people-”

What the fuck was he talking about, when have I ever needed him to take care of me or watch me. I didn’t need him to watch after me I could handle myself. 

“I’m going home” I mumbled walking off, we was stood in the hospital car park arguing back and forth over nothing. He couldn’t seem to understand that I didn’t care. Right now I had much more bigger problems on my hands than Jen’s bitch ass self telling on me.

“There you go, running from everything!” he yelled after me, I turned around from walking and stopped.

“I don’t feel like arguing, It’s pointless, I shrugged, I don’t have time!” Chris stood there staring at me “So are you done?” I asked become impatient.

“Yep” he replied and began walking backwards. “Call me when you’re ready to act like a woman and not some wild ass animal!”

That was the last thing he said to me, I hadn’t spoken to him since and that was last week. I wasn’t going to call him until I got my own thoughts together, I still needed to tell him I was pregnant and until I could do it, I was just gonna have to avoid him.

Tiki still hadn’t come yet, something about her flight was rescheduled for this week Saturday instead. It felt like she was never gonna get here. I really couldn’t wait any longer. Out of anyone in this whole world Tikira was the only person I could tell anything, absolutely anything to. It didn’t matter, she never judged me. She was always there for me. And me holding this damn secret in was slowly killing me, I needed to tell someone sooner or later otherwise I was gonna explode.

My dad and Annette were finally back after what felt like years of being away, they seemed to have really, really enjoyed themselves in London even though they complained the weather was shit, they did like it out there. My dad had finalized all his car business out there and was now in co-owning with a McLaren Cars, which was a good look for him. Although they had been back I’d done so far a pretty good job at avoiding them, especially my dad.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant it’s like I could see the changes in my body. Pregnant like things that I hadn’t noticed before, well when I was oblivious to the truth really, like the weight gain I’d endured, my boobs were getting bigger and it was the worst pain in the world to lean on them. And whereas before I hadn’t noticed the slight pudge in my stomach, it felt like now it was blatantly obvious. I felt like everyone could see it, I still couldn’t believe how I hadn’t noticed this before. I was still in denial though, because it didn’t make sense for me to be pregnant, I still couldn’t understand how exactly it happened when I’d been on birth control.

I knew I was pregnant though because all the signs where there, all the signs that should have been obvious before, like the sudden weird crazy cravings I’d had like Salt with Sprite, like who the hell drinks that, all the food I was constantly eating. The emotional rollercoaster I was always on, like my moods being up and down and all the crying I kept on doing previously to when everything fucked up. Like I cried so many times it wasn’t normal because before I never ever cried. The sudden I had urge to throw up at the smell of Chris’ cologne that I loved before. All the morning sickness I had before, being exhausted all the time even if I hadn’t done anything all day. The signs where blatantly in my face yet I ignored all of them.

I rolled over the left side of my bed stretching for my ringing phone, my phone hadn’t stopped ringing all week but I was avoiding everyone, I looked down at the screen and saw

Mama J

Flashing on my screen which was odd because she never called me. Hesitantly I tapped the answer button and pulled the phone up to my ear and listened to the background noise of the call, not saying anything until she came on the line

“Jhene? Jhene angel is that you?” she asked into the phone,

“H-hey Mama?” I croaked into the phone before clearing my voice, I hadn’t spoken in how many days my voice had become croaky.

“Ah, hey angel how are you?” she replied, a smile lacing her voice.

“I’m fine Mama, how are you?” I smiled.

“Oh you know, I’m living, living, I heard you was in hospital recently” she said in a worried tone,

“Mama, that was last week. I’m fine now” I chuckled

“That boy Christopher, I’m gonna beat him up! He only let me no yesterday night” she sighed

“Oh, no worries, I’m fine now” I smiled

“That’s good to know angel” after that there was a short pause before Mama spoke again “Now don’t laugh, but I’m calling you because I really need your help”

I chuckled a little at her saying don’t laugh because clearly it was gonna be something I was gonna laugh about, “What’s up Mama?” I asked sitting up on my bed,

“Ok, now tomorrow, me and a Co-worker are going out for dinner” I smiled knowing exactly where this was going “And, I noticed how you always look very well put together, so I was wonderinggg, if it aint too much hassle if you could come over and help me pick out an outfit” she chuckled, I smiled and laughed a little because I remember Chris informing me of this ‘co-worker’ Mama was always hanging out with. He was pissed as hell about it, but I thought it was cute. Mama gotta have a life too.

“Mama are you going on a date?” I joked, she smacked her teeth playfully

“Chile!” she laughed,

“Ok Ok Mama, I’ll help out no problem” I said, almost forgetting I was supposed to be in hiding nshit, but how could I say no to Mama J she was so sweet.

“Oh, thank you so much Angel, you’re truly a life saver” she thanked,

“It’s ok, I will be over in like an hour or so that ok?”

“Yeah that’s fine, I’ll leave the side door open for you” she replied

“Aiight Mama, I’ll see you in a little”

We both said by to each other, and then hanged up the phone. I got up from my bed and took a quick shower and washed my hair before dragging on some baggy red sweats and a matching LK hoodie. I pulled my hair up into a quick messy bun, grabbed my phones and money before heading over to Mama J’s

***

Me and Mama J were sat in the living room for the past hour and a half having a heartfelt conversation, it was only me and her in the house because Chris had gone out before I came over, where to I didn’t know, I was kind of relieved he wasn’t here though because it gave me a little more time. He knew I was over though because Mama had called him and let him know.

After I helped her pick out her outfit for tomorrow she asked if I could stay a little longer because she wanted to talk to me, I don’t know what it was with Mama J but it was almost as if she knew something was wrong with me, Just by the way she looked at me, it was as if she was just waiting for me to tell her something and to be honest, Mama J reminded me a lot of my mom in some ways, meaning her approach to people, she was easy to talk too and you could tell her just about anything without her judging or criticising  in a negative light. I felt comfortable enough with her to tell her what was eating so heavily on my heart.

“Mama, can I tell you something?” I said watching as she cleared off the coffee table that sat in the middle of the room

“Sure angel, you can tell me anything you know that” she replied, I stayed quiet for a moment trying to figure out how exactly I was gona say what I wanted to say. Mama j turned around giving me her fall attention as she walked over to me

“Jhene, what’s wrong?” she asked in a worried tone.

“I-if I tell you something can you promise me you won’t tell him?” I asked looking up at her with tears in my eyes

“Tell who honey?” she asked, I know I was probably confusing her because I wasn’t exactly telling her the issue.

“Chris, you can’t tell Chris” I answered looking up at her just as the tears that were built up in my eyes fell together,

“Angel It depends what it is, I can’t promise if I don’t know what’s wrong” she replied whilst gently rubbing my back. 

“Please mama it’s just I need to tell somebody, I can’t keep it to myself any longer because it’s eating me up inside, I will tell him eventually but just not right now because I’m scared” I explained, the look on Mama’s face was one of confusion and panic, I know what I was gonna reveal to her is something she wouldn’t expect

“What is it baby? You can tell me” Mama j replied softly 

“I-I’m pregnant” I said, crying even more now that I’ve said it out loud. She gasped a little holding her chest,

“Oh honey, Oh honey I don’t know what to say” she said pulling me into a tight comforting hug causing me to cry hysterically on her chest. 

“My mom would be so ashamed of me I know I’ve let her down” 

“No. Jhene you don’t ever say that do you hear me, I’m very sure your mom is proud of you either way. Yes she may be a little disappointed because you’re both so young but don’t you EVER, ever feel like you’ve let her down do u hear me?” Mama j replied back sternly looking into my eyes. I nod in response and she pulled me into another hug again. 

Just then I hear the front door open and shut indicating Chris was back. I quickly pulled away from the hug “Mama I can’t face him right now” I cried and quickly hoped off the couch and ran out into the little toilet extension closing the in the living room door. 

“Mama!” I hear Chris calls indicating that he’d walked into the living room. “Where Jhene at?” he asked, I hear mama j reply that I’m in the bathroom and we both need to sit down and talk. 

“Fuck, Fuck!” I mumble to myself before I stand up from the toilet seat and walk over to the mirror to see what I looked like. A mess is what I was.

My eyes where bloodshot red from all the crying I’d been doing my cheeks were blotchy like they always went whenever I cried for a long period of time. And my nose was continuously running. I quickly turned on the tap and splashed cold water over my face causing the blotching on my face to disappear slightly then dried my face with the side towel and blew my nose throwing the tissue in the trash afterwards. I looked at myself one more time in the mirror rubbing my eyes praying that the redness would magically disappear but of course it didn’t, I didn’t look as bad as before but my eyes were still red from the crying.

I slowly opened the toilet door and walked out to face Chris. I was gonna tell him. It was either now or never…

“Chris we need to talk…”

Chris:

I needed to tell Jhene about what just happened. I hadn’t seen or spoken to her since that day at the hospital but it was either now or never. I knew this would crush her even more than she was already, I didn’t wanna tell her because I was tired of hurting her but she needed to know, she wanted me to be straight with her and not lie about things, so that’s what I was gonna do.

“Chris we need to talk…” she said breaking me out of my thoughts. I quickly looked up at her face and frowned, I could tell she’d been crying. Her eyes where blood red and her cheeks were blotchy. Overall she looked distressed or some shit, like something was weighing heavily on her, she didn’t look like normal Jhene.

“Baby what’s wrong?  Why you been crying?” I asked getting up from the sofa and pulling her into a hug. Great she was already upset today and I know telling her what I’m about to tell her will crush her but I had to. There was no way on this earth I could keep this from her without her finding out sooner or later, and right now I would rather it be sooner than later.

“I-I have to tell you something and I don’t know how your gonna take it.” she whispered pulling away from my chest. 

“Ok, but let me go first aight” I say walking over to the couch and sitting her down next to me. A worried expression swept across her face and I looked down at my hands and took a deep breath. 

“What is it?” Jhene asked gently rubbing da back of my neck like she always done whenever she wanted me to calm down or talk to her. I looked up at her face, her beautiful face that held so much pain in it already. I loved her more than anything in this world and it hurt like hell to know that I once again was about to become the reason for her heartbreaking even more.

“Just know, I love you with all my heart aight” I said looking at her, She nodded her head knowingly and I took a deep breath again licking my lips before putting my head back down.

“Aight so I went over to Jens today…”