“Seems like I always had crushes on chicks I couldn’t have and then I end up fucking with someone I shouldn’t have…”
I rolled over and smacked my teeth feeling around for my ringing phone that was somewhere buried in-between my sheets, once I felt it, I grabbed it and slowly opened my eyes but immediately squinted them again from the bright light shining on me from my phone screen,
“You better have a fucking good reason for calling me so early on in the morning” I snapped grouchily looking over at the time that was flashing on DVD player. 7:40
“Chris I need your help” she said reluctantly into the phone
“What?” I asked annoyed, one thing I hated is when people woke me up from my damn sleep; I don’t give a fuck who it is. Don’t wake me up
“It’s Niecey, I need someone to take her to day care but I can’t do it because my supervisor just called and said I gotta be in work for 8:30 and my mom has already gone and my dad’s on call right now so he can’t do it, I wouldn’t be asking you if I really didn’t need your help right now” she explained,
I took a deep breath wiping my face and then stretched a little, “What time she gotta be in for?” I asked
I didn’t say anything for a moment, trying to wake myself up fully, last night I didn’t go sleep until like 4 in the morning because I stayed up half the night doing some drops for Cass. Just to get my money up a little, I got paid a nice amount too so I knew I was set for the rest of this month anyway
“You still there?” Jen asked
“Yeah, just drop her off then” I mumbled closing my eyes
“Aight I’ll be there in like 30 minutes” she explained
“And thank you”
“Whatever” I mumbled again hanging up the phone and throwing it on the side.
“Chris get up!” Mama yelled in my ear,
“What are yelling for?!” I yelled back at her, I hadn’t even realized I’d fallen straight back to sleep after talking to Jen.
“Uh uh, who do you think your yelling at?” she asked, I smacked my teeth and rolled over onto my back scowling at her, “You better come correct and realize who you’re talking to, I aint one of your little friends!”
“Aight ma, damn!”
“Now Jeniece is here, she’s upstairs eating her breakfast so you need to get your behind up and go and see to her because I gotta leave out for work” she said opening up my blinds, the blazing LA sunshine shining brightly through my room causing me to squint my eyes,
“GET UP CHRIS!” she yelled again before she walked out of my room leaving the door wide opened, I smacked my teeth again and stretched my arms getting up out the bed, I was so damn tired right now. Quickly I jumped in the shower and started getting dressed before I went upstairs to take Lil Mama to Daycare
I grabbed my car keys and a wad of cash stuffing them into my pockets, and tightened the strings on my hoodie before pulling out my phone and dialled Jhene’s number for the 3rd time this morning making my way up the stairs, Holding the phone in the crook of my neck I listened to it as it rang out until eventually I caught her voicemail, like I had been since the day she left here, she’d been ignoring all my calls and messages ever since that day.
“Look this is like my 3rd time calling you this morning, I know you see me calling you and I know you probably don’t wanna talk to me right now, but can you call me back please, please” I said before hanging up the phone and trudging up the rest of the stairs making my way into the living room,
“Lil Mama!” I yelled to her as I walked inside the room, where she was sat in front of the TV watching some kiddies programme, she quickly turned around and opened her eyes wide smiling when she saw me walking in.
“Daddyyyyyyyyyyyy!” she screamed running up to me,
“What’s up princess” I said catching her up as she ran into my arms, “You missed me?”
“No” she shook her head
“What you mean no!” I laughed tickling her in her sides causing her to burst into a fit of laughs!”
“No, yeah!” she laughed wrapping her little arms tightly around my neck
“Yeah that’s better! Where’s Grandma at?”
“I’m here” Mama said, I turned around to see her walking into the living room zipping up her purse, “Ok I’m leaving out now, Chris make sure you get her to daycare on time” she warned, throwing her purse over her shoulder and grabbing her paper work from the side table,
“What time is it now?” I asked looking over at the clock
“10:15 and I’m gonna be late” she mumbled,
“Aight we might as well leave out now with you” I replied grabbing the remote of the side and turning of the TV
“Daddy, I don’t wanna go daycare” Jeniece said shaking her head,
“No, you’re going to daycare Jeniece” Mama said interrupting, “Chris make sure you take her to daycare!”
Niecey frowned pouting her lip at Mama, causing me to laugh at the expression on her face,
“Fix your lip and give me a kiss” she said walking over to Niecey and stealing a kiss from her, Niecey turned her leaning on my shoulder and continued to frown at Mama,
“She mad at you” I laughed,
“I don’t care, just make sure she goes to Daycare!” she warned again before turning around leaving “Bye I’m gone before I’m late” she laughed lightly before leaving out,
Once I heard the door slam I looked over at Lil Mama, who still had a mean scowl on her face,
“You ready?” She shook her head yes “Aight come on” I said putting her down so she could grab her Dora backpack then left out,
It took about half hour to drop Lil mama off at Daycare because of traffic after that I’d quickly made a stop at McDonalds to pickup something to eat and was now on my way over to Mijo’s after he called me and told me to come through, once I’d made my way to his I parked my car at the end of his block and got out my car making my way up to his house knocking on his door.
“Hey Chris” Ms Allison smiled answering the door,
“Wassup Mom, is Mijo there?”
“Yeah, yeah come in his lazy ass still upstairs in his room” she chuckled closing the door behind her before I walked in. “So what’s this I hear about my Lil Christopher having a baby?” she asked raising her brow at me,
“Yeah” I laughed lightly wiping my face, “she aint even a baby anymore, she Two now”
“Two!” she yelled shocked, the same reaction everybody had whenever I told them Niecey age
“What in the hell, and you didn’t know?”
“Nah” I shook my head “I found out like a few weeks ago”
“God lord, I know Joyce weren’t impressed” she laughed,
“Nah she wasn’t but she cool with it now” I shrugged,
“Oh well, that’s good. You need to bring her around sometime, I wanna see her cute self”
“Yeah I got you” I laughed,
“Good. Well anyway Mijo upstairs just go up”
“Aight” I nodded making my way up the stairs towards Mijo room on the top floor, as soon as I reached the landing the strong scent of weed hit me before even opened the door, “MIJO!” I yelled as I opened up his door, Mijo turned around from the game he was playing and set the joint on the corner of the astray
“What’s good nigga!” he said dapping me up “Aye close in the door before Moms come up here bitching” he laughed, I chuckled closing in the door and plopped down on the couch in his room
“That shit stink nigga” I coughed at the strong scent of the weed he was smoking,
“That skunk shit nigga fuck you know about this” he laughed holding out the joint,
“Fuck you get this from?” I asked taking the joint out his hand and pulling it up,
“That nigga Keeis” he laughed “Nigga said he got this shit imported from London, it’s supposed to be like chronic nshit”
“Hell nah, this shit strong though” I said taking 2 puffs then passing it back to him
“Believe me, roll up nigga” he said taking the joint then passing me the plastic bag and DVD cover “I told Ty about this shit, that nigga said he on his way right now” he laughed I chuckled and set the DVD cover on my lap and took a nug from the bag breaking it up in my lap “Ay pass me those papers” I said pointing to the pack of rizzlers that were sat next to him, Mijo leaned over and grabbed the papers throwing them at me, “Safe” I mumbled and continued to roll my joint
Once my joint was rolled I light it watching the smoke burnt the papers
“So what the fuck is up with you nigga? You aint said nun but a word since you got here and you looking like yo puppy just died” Mijo laughed I smirked and brought the joint to my lips, taking a deep pull, then allowing the haze to leak from my nose,
“Man, shit’s just fucked up” I chuckled
“Why? what Jhene do now? She cussed you out again?” he joked,
“Nah not even” I shook my head, bringing the joint back up to my lips “We aint even talking like that”
“Man y’all two aint never talking “Mijo laughed “Y’all worst than me and Ky!”
“Nah nigga, you fucking flipped it. Aint nobody worst than you and Ky!” I laughed,
Mijo chuckled “So what’s up with y’all now?”
I smacked my teeth and sighed hard, looking down watching the smoke that leaked from the joint, Mijo brought his joint back up to his lips and took a deep pull from it “Jhene, she pregnant cuh” I said looking over at him
Mijo’s eyes widened as far as they could go and the smoke from the pull he took instantly burned his throat, causing him to choke on it and start coughing crazy, he reached over for the bottle of sprite he had on the floor opening it up and chugged it down in order to get rid of his coughing fits, I chuckled watching this nigga, once his coughing seized to a minimum he set his joint on the side of the astray and looked over at me wide eyed,
“The fuck you mean she pregnant nigga!” he yelled at me in shock.
I laughed lightly and took another pull from my joint before setting it on the side of the ashtray too and leaning back on the couch staring up at the ceiling whilst blowing the smoke out,
“I mean she’s pregnant” I sighed, licking my lips
“Dang nigga what the fuck is wrong with you?!” Mijo yelled, “Don’t you know what a fucking condom is bruh?” I laughed out and wiped my face looking at him.
“I know nigga, I know”
“Clearly you don’t, you dumb ass nigga. You’re fucking 17 with a two year old and a baby on the way? Nigga something’s wrong with you!”
“Didn’t you learn!” he yelled at me again
“Aight man fuck!” I laughed at him; this nigga was more upset than me, shit. Mijo smacked his teeth and shook his head at me,
“So what y’all gonna do?” he asked once he calmed down and picked back up his joint, I stayed quiet and he turned his head looking at me,
“Nah, don’t tell me you told her what I think you told her” he mumbled I looked at him and sighed “Fuck no, you know that’s it right…”
“What?” I asked
“That’s it nigga, you know you aint getting her back right” he said
“What you mean?”
“Nigga, you asked her to abort your kid and you think she finna stay with you? You gotta be out of your goddamn mind. That’s it nigga, it’s over between the two of you!”
I frowned over at him and smacked my teeth, “Man nigga shut up” I mumbled,
“It’s true. What she do when you asked her?” he asked
“She aint do nothing. She was blank, She just handed me the scan and left” I explained to him,
“Mannn, you lost a good girl cuh, a real good girl”
“Stop fucking saying that shit nigga!” I snapped at him,
“What it’s the truth, don’t you know it’s nothing worse than when a chick goes silent on yo ass. When she curse and act a fool it’s because she cares! When she silent it means she’s given up, she don’t care anymore! A woman’s silence says it all. Her silence and lack of expression means that she’s reached her breaking point! Nigga you should know that!”
I frowned and lightly bit down on my bottom lip tucking at it, I knew what he was saying was the truth, Mijo always spoke the truth, wither you wanted to hear it or not, that’s why he was my best friend and a part of me already knew I’d lost Jhene, I didn’t wanna admit it but I knew it, from the moment she walked out I knew it,
“You spoken to her since?” he asked snapping me out my thoughts
“Nah” I mumbled shaking my head “She aint been answering my calls nshit” he sighed loudly and sat up fully from the couch.
“Why you tell her that man? No shade but that’s fucked up on your behalf cuh”
“I said it because I know it’s the best for her. I can’t manage another kid bruh and I already know Jhene aint gonna be able to cope, you already know how she is. And looking after a kid aint fucking easy, I only been doing it for a couple weeks and I already know” I explain
“Yeah but you gotta see it from her point, she aint seeing all that, all she seeing is you asking her to kill y’all baby, she’s probably seeing it as, why can you be in yo other kid life but not hers and to be honest nigga this aint helping with the fact that she thinks you’re still in love with Jen like you told me bruh, you know how girls are, they insecure as hell. You stepping up to the plate and dealing with you and Jens kid but not you and hers is looking like a bitch ass move nigga. Real talk”
I stayed silent. Just thinking, I could hear what he was saying, but shit is different when it’s you in the actual predicament, Just then my phone vibrated signalling a message had come through, I picked it up and opened up the message that was from Bow and read it,
Bow: “Yo nigga you know she gone to the clinic now right, T just told me”
Immediately I messaged him back
Which clinic she gone to?
I stood up from the couch and grabbed my hat and car keys from the side,
“Where the fuck you going?” Mijo asked looking up at me,
“Bow just told me Jhene gone to the abortion clinic now”
“What you going for? You think she’s gonna wanna see you unless you changed your mind?” he said
I shrugged pulling my hat onto my head “If she does it, she can’t do this shit on her own nigga” an incoming call from Bow came through
“Yo which one she at?” I asked into the phone, Bow smacked his teeth and sighed
“Man Tikira aint telling me shit, she said Jhene said she don’t want you there anyway” he explained lowly
“Nigga I don’t care wither she wants me there or not. Nigga try and find out for me, please” I begged
“Aight, imma try her again, but I doubt they gonna say shit,” he mumbled
“Thanks man” I said as we both hanged up the phone, I looked over at Mijo and he frowned,
“Where do girls go to get an abortion?” I asked,
“Clinic fool” he replied
“No nigga which clinic?”
“Iono, probably my choice or something”
“My choice!” I yelled loudly, of course that had to be where she was at, I quickly rushed out his bedroom and darted down the stairs bumping into Ty who was now walking up
“Slow down nigga pussy aint going anywhere!” he laughed dapping me, I quickly dapped him back and told him I holla at him then ran down the rest, heading out the front door, making my way over to the clinic I was praying she was in.
This time around I sat in My Choice abortion clinic with Tikira, waiting for my appointment, the sound of the clock above me ticking viciously as I tapped my foot in beat to it. I just wanted this to be over and done with, quickly. So I could move on with my life completely, move on from everything, just start a fresh start. Chris kept calling my phone and leaving me messages telling me to call him all morning, he was annoying the shit out of me so I turned off my phone to get away from him, Bow let him know I was getting and abortion earlier after Tiki told him. Not that I minded, bow was cool,
But Chris, I refused to answer any of his calls or messages none, I was doing what he asked for so why did he feel the need to call me. I didn’t need his ‘support’ if that’s what he was calling for, I didn’t need him to tell me everything was gonna be ok, or I was making the right decision, I didn’t need anything from him. I just needed to get his baby out of me so then I could forget him. That’s what I wanted to do, forget him. A realization hit me this morning as I was driving here and that was no amount of ‘love’ is worth this much pain. None
They say love shouldn’t hurt, and If it does then it’s time to get out right? Well that’s what I was doing, I was getting out.
I looked around the room at everyone that was in here, it felt like déjà vu. Just a mere 3 days ago I was sat in a similar room waiting for a scan to check to see if my baby was breathing and now I was sat here, awaiting the pill that was going to kill it. I felt awful, I felt like a murderer but I guess its life sometimes you gotta do things, even if you don’t wanna you have to make sacrifices.
“Are you sure you wanna do this J?” Tiki asked from the seat beside me, I shook my head yes and continued tapping. She seemed more upset than me, it was clear that she didn’t want me to do it when I asked her to follow me; she had made her opinion known this morning.
“Jhene, I don’t think you should do this, real talk, I really think you’re going to live to regret it”
She said, but I had to do it. If I wanted to move on, I had to get any trace of Chris away from me, he didn’t want anything to do with it anyway, and I couldn’t do this on my own the whole parenting thing. No way
I looked up as the door opened and a girl walked out the room, tears drowning her little face, she looked no older than 14; she was closely followed by a man who I was assuming was her father, he had a irritated look edged onto his face as he kept his hand firmly on the girls back guiding her out of the clinic, my heart immediately went out to her, It was more than clear that she was forced into aborting her child. She looked up at me for a minute and our eyes connected, I smiled a small smile at her, which she returned before turning her head. It’s like for some reason I immediately felt connected to her. I understood her pain.
“Miss Carter?” the nurse called out, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked up at her, in her white lab coat and frowned slightly “Were ready for you Miss Carter” she smiled opening up the door for me. I slowly stood up and looked back at Tiki who was shaking her head,
“Are you coming or what?” I asked blankly, if she didn’t want to she could stay out here, I didn’t care. She sighed then stood up and followed me as I walked down the short hall into an office type room.
“Hello Jhene, I’m Dr T.R Samuels” she said reaching out her hand to shake mines, I placed my hand in hers and shook it then sat down in the chairs opposite her desk, Tikira sat in the seat next to me a scowl upon her face. She was definitely against this
“Ok so I’m just going to go through the procedures of this abortion, I’m just reading your file and according to this your 15 weeks along, which means you are into your 2nd trimester of this pregnancy, because of this, your procedure will be different to those in their 1st trimester, so I’m just going to run you through the quick abortion process, feel free to ask any questions” she smiled
“Right, so let’s get started, now because you are in your 2nd trimester of your pregnancy Miss Carter an abortion between 15-24 weeks will unfortunately require a surgery referred to as a Dilation and Evacuation, meaning dilation of your cervix and then the evacuation of your pregnancy” She explained, my heart almost jumped out of my chest and my eyes widened when she said surgery because I’ve always been terrified of any sort of surgeries, from a young age I always associated death with surgery because that’s when my mom died, during the surgery that was supposed to safe her life,
“W-what? I thought it was like a pill or some shit I had to take?” I said frowning,
“Yes, that’s the Medication Abortion but unfortunately that is only available for those in their first trimester, but because you are 15 weeks along the baby at this point has already developed a brain and its heart beat, so, therefore the procedure is slightly more complicated than a simple pill.” She explained, from the corner of my eye I could see Tiki shake her head and put her head down,
“Would you like me to continue?” Dr Samuels asks, I nod my head and she continues, “To proceed with this procedure we will have to gently stretch the cervix and dilate it to enable special forceps that the doctor will use which are similar to a pair of tongs, and a suction tube to remove the foetus from your womb, the plus side is that the procedure is a simple one and will take no longer than 20 minutes” she concluded
“Will it hurt?” I asked lowly as I could feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes, fighting to be released
“The surgery it’s self you won’t feel a thing because you will be asleep under the general anaesthetic, however after the procedure you may have some period-type pain or discomfort, the later the abortion, the more painful it may be, so it will be advised to take appropriate painkillers. You also may find that you will experience some bleeding for a couple of weeks after the abortion but that’s nothing to worry about” she smiled
“Now if there are no complications within the surgery and you are healthy you’re more likely to be able to go home the same day. However as you will have had a general anaesthetic it would be highly advised that somebody is with you just in case” Dr Samuels explains,
“So are there any other questions you want to know Jhene before we get started?”
I sort of just sat there staring at the window behind her trying to take in everything she just said, the words, surgery kept swarming my brain, I didn’t wanna go through no surgery. The thought alone terrified me.
“Jhene?” she called again,
“Erm, can you like give us just a few minutes please?” Tiki asked the DR, she smiles sympathetically and nods her head,
“Sure, I’m just going to check everything’s in order, I won’t be a mo, but do take as long as you need, these decisions shouldn’t be taken lightly” she said getting up and exiting the room
“Jhene, are you aight?” Tiki asked grabbing my hand
“Why is he making me do this Tikira?” I asked as a tear rolls down my face
“Jhene, you don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do!” she replied
“But I do though, he doesn’t want her Tikira, he doesn’t want our baby” I mumbled still staring off into space,
“Yeah” I nod “it’s a girl, I can feel it, she told me” I smiled a little
“Who told you?” she asked
“My mom, she said that she needed me and at first I didn’t understand but I know who she was talking about now, she was talking about my baby. She meant my baby needed me…”
“Then why are you doing this Jhene! Look at me!” she said turning my face, I looked over at her as tears roll down her face, “Jhene, just think about it, you aint even thinking straight you don’t have to do this if you don’t really want to!”
“I do, he doesn’t want her, how am I gonna cope on my own Tiki? How am I gonna look after her on my own? I can barely look after myself” I said frowning
It was true, wither I wanted to admit it or not. I wasn’t responsible enough to look after a kid. I didn’t even have to look after myself, because I always had my dad to rely on. He done everything for me, yeah I hated to admit it, but I was spoilt. I was 18 years old, living in the comfort of my dad’s wealth with no worries, what I look like bringing up a child on my own?
“You aint gonna be alone! I will help you, you know I will just please Jhene, I’m begging you do not go through with this!”
“How are you gonna help when you live on a whole different coast? Let’s be real Tikira” I laughed lightly
“Then move back! Look, come back to New York with me, you know if you comeback you will endless support, my mom will help you out and all your family out there, please Jhene, I will be with you every step of the way if you do go through with this, but please I’m begging you don’t do it!” she pleaded.
“I can’t move back. I wish I could but I can’t”
“And why not, what’s stopping you? If its school you know you’ll get back in Abraham with no trouble” she questioned, I looked down and shook my head, playing with my fingers
“Oh my god, please tell me your not still thinking about this nigga!” she yelled slightly. I wiped the tears from my eyes and sniffed
“You’ve got to be kidding me! Look what he’s making you do Jhene and your really still thinking about him!” she yelled, “Are you crazy?!”
“You just don’t understand Tiki, you will never understand” I trailed off, thinking about everything for a moment, everything that I’ve been through these past couple months. Just then the door to the room opens, up again and Dr Samuels’s walks back in clad in a white Lab type coat and a clip board.
“Is everything ok?” she asked smiling slightly.
“Yeah, everything’s fine” I smiled cutting Tikira off, “I’ve made up my mind now, I understand what I’m doing,” I said standing up, Tiki looked up at me with a look of disbelief on her face, Dr Samuels smiled turning around and told me to follow her,
I guess that’s just part of loving someone, sometimes you have to give things up, even when it hurts to do so. But love is a sacrifice; and you just gotta do what you gotta do.